Upon arriving in Manila,
my team was beyond excited to be at our ministry site, where we would be
staying for six weeks. We were literally throwing out high-fives and cheers as
we were briefed on where we would be and what we would be doing. Of course we were
excited about the free wi-fi, the beds, the showers, and the food, but I was
mostly excited about the ministry that we would be doing. We would be working
with the Kids International Ministries;
we would be plugging in to the local orphanage, community center, and slum
outreach, among others. Being here I have felt the strong feeling of being
exactly where God wants me to be. Finally, here I am. I have arrived. I have
only been here a couple of days, but I can already imagine being for a long,
long time.
And then it changed. When things are going perfectly, they
always have to change. It was too good to be true, it was too right, and it
couldn’t work out that perfectly. My heart was ripped from my chest and I felt
nauseous thinking about it.
I know this may seem a bit extreme to you, being that we
have only been here for a couple days, but imagine being able to do what you
feel your purpose is, imagine holding and loving on 4 month old twins that were
abandoned by their mother, imagine being able to use your spiritual gifts in a
way that God intended for us all along, imagine feeling like there is no other
place in the world that you would rather be. Then imagine it being taken away.
I feel like leaving this place is leaving my calling. I feel
like I am walking away from God’s will for my life. I feel as if there is a pit
in my stomach that is eating away at me, constantly reminding me that this
feels wrong.
I asked God to change my heart. I asked God to change my
desires. I asked God to make my thoughts
and my heart align with his perfect will. I asked God to take away my love for
this place and for the children at the orphanage and the people that I’ve met.
I’ve asked God for clarity. And still my heart remains for this place. Still I
cannot stop thinking about being here. I do not have peace, my heart is being
torn.
Why God? What is your will in all this? Lord why would you
speak to me and tell me to remain if you are not allowing it to happen? Why
would you tell me one thing and tell the leaders something different? God I
don’t understand why you would give me such a strong love for this place if you
didn’t want me to remain here. Lord I just don’t understand. It doesn’t make
sense and it hurts. I’m left with a genuine love for this place and the painful
knowledge that I can’t be here.
I have no peace. My mind keeps returning to these thoughts.
I keep digging in the word and praying to God and seeking answers, but I don’t
hear anything new. He hasn’t changed my heart. He hasn’t given me any excitement
about going to a different location. Why am I not excited about going to a
tropical island beach paradise in the Philippines?
Why would I rather remain in Manila?
Lord, why won’t you change my heart?
“There’s a wall that stands in front of me
That I know I just can’t climb
And like an eagle you will carry me
It’s just a matter of time
I believe in the word you promised me
So I will wait another day
I will wait for you, Jesus
You’re the sun in my horizon
All my hopes in you, Jesus
I can see you now arising
Tonight, as I struggled with all of this, I again dove into
the word and asked God for clarity. I asked God to speak to me, to show me his
will. As I was praying, I also had my iPod on, and I paused to listen to the
lyrics. As I did, I heard the lyrics listed above.
I will wait another
day. Patience. All day I have been meditating on the word “patience.” When
I first heard God tell me to stay, I knew I must be patient and pray and seek
God. When I talked to my leader about staying, I knew I must be patient and
wait for the decision. And now, I must be patient again. The difference this
time, is that I’m not sure what God wants me to be patient about. All the
blanks haven’t been filled in yet, but I know that I must be patient in this
situation.
Patient for the
situation to change?
Patient to find the
purpose in all this?
Patient for my heart
to change?
Lord I don’t understand it. But I will stop questioning it.
Lord I can’t change the situation. Lord I am not in control. But God I have put
all my trust in you. I am handing over the burden, I am handing over the need
for justice to prevail. Lord I know that you use every situation for good for
those who love you. Lord regardless of whether your will is being done, I know
you will use the situation for good. I’m not sure how that looks, but I will
wait and I will have patience. It won’t be easy, but it is what you have asked
of me, and I am all in. Lord, I will wait for you.
