Can I just be real with you guys right now? A lot has been weighing on my heart. I have severely struggled with wanting to be here the last week or so. Yes, I was very sick for four days, but even before I was disheartened. I want to be on fire for the Lord, I want to feel His presence… more than anything. Yet all I
felt was hopelessness. All I felt was a despondency that seemed to permeate me and those around me. This isn’t what it’s supposed to be like. We left our homes, our families, our friends, our lives pretty much, and took up our crosses to follow Him. Why then were we surprised when we started the slow trek up to Calvary instead of a fast-paced life of spiritual adventure? Why was I so shocked when it didn’t look like what I had expected? Because, I had forgotten it was real life. I had forgotten we were going to be down in the dirt and the mire; that this is a marathon, not a sprint.
I have to admit, even though we were warned to leave our expectations at the door, I had snuck some in with me. I had expected high action, running around so much that you were constantly exhausted, unable to do anything other than bask in the amazingness of what God had done, eat and sleep. So when we got here and half our time was spent waiting for a vehicle to be available, or the best time to visit a town, I was unprepared. It is so easy to get lackluster and even lazy when you want to go, go, go, but you end up stuck waiting. Then the time arrives to go, and all of a sudden, you don’t really even want to. But, as my friend Nancy reminded me lately, just because we may not be doing as many things as we like, that doesn’t mean that we are not making an impact. We visited a community today, one we have visited twice before, and I was so encouraged by the reception we got. We may not be able to speak the language, we may not have been there every day, but they know we love them. They know why we are there, and the delight on the faces of everyone we saw put me to shame.
How can we be so selfish? How can we let the enemy get this foothold in our lives and threaten to make us ineffective? Because it doesn’t happen on our time table? Because we want the rest of the world to move at the pace we want? Do we somehow believe that what we gave up to be here entitles us to dictate how and when we are going to serve? Solomon wisely calls all of that vanity, yet we want to cling to it and strut about going, “Look at what I’ve d
one. I gave up a year of my life for God and to help people, isn’t that amazing?” Gave up? No. I did not give up a year of my life, I dedicated a year of my life to the Lord. Paul said that, “our present sufferings are nothing compared to the glory that will be revealed in us” – Romans 8:18. Could I really forget that only two weeks in?
But thank you Lord, You are more powerful than any force set against us. Yesterday was a new day. I woke up and the hopelessness was gone, replaced by an awe-filled peace. Ever since then He has been speaking life to my soul and has given me an amazing, terrifying idea that might change everything.
To be continued…
