So, I had this whole thing written out about the practical side of training camp and just couldn't post it. Here's what the Lord has put on my heart. Speak Father…
Vulnerability… one of my least favorite words. There is a weakness implied, a let down of one's armor, a risk. It is so easy for me to be open, to share anything and everything in my heart, but to be vulnerable… to be open to making a fool of myself or being at my weakest in front of everyone…? That is incredibly hard. No one likes to feel exposed, ripped apart and put on display in front of the world; yet what moves people, what shakes people? Is it openness, assurance, calmness, confidence? No, it is brokenness and vulnerability. Why? Because that is when God moves. Let me show you:
Thursday morning I was doing my morning workout, and I realized something. I was nervous. Why in the world was I nervous? We had already been through what I considered the hard stuff. What could possibly make me feel that way now? Then it hit me, they were starting the process of choosing teams that day. Still, I should have been thrilled, that was exactly my thing, I love seeing teams come together, figuring out personality types, who works best with who and whatnot. So what was the deal…? I was afraid of being invisible.
Where did that come from? God had broken through that lie over a year ago. I KNOW who I am in Him, that His opinion is the only one that matters, I haven't felt a need for the validation of men since. Somehow the enemy had snuck that into my mind again, said that if I wasn't picked for leadership that I was invisible. That no one really saw me or who God had molded me into. WHAT A WORTHLESS LIE OF THE DEVIL! Still, I couldn't shake it, pride flared up everytime I tried to convince myself that I didn't even really want it. Here's the thing, I was still trying to keep it all together. Trying to convince myself to feel differently, and it wasn't working. But thanks be to God who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ! (1 Cor. 15:57) God broke me that night. I fell on my face and poured it all out to Him, not caring who heard or saw, and through that brokenness and vulnerability new life sprang forth. He held me and spoke to me and broke through those lies again.
Because, do you know what it really means to not be chosen for that position? FREEDOM. I have been juggling so much for so long, trying to find the balance to use both my natural bent toward administration and my spiritual gifts, and guess what? My spirit yearns to be able to concentrate on what the Lord has built me for, to be free from the responsiblity of making sure things happen and just to be able to love, build up, raise up, teach and counsel those I work alongside. And thank God for his blessings, my team is amazing. God knew what He was doing, and I thank Him for wonderful people at AIM who listened to His voice and obeyed.
So what has this taught me? That where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.
So what about you? Are you going to heed His call to freedom? To give up the burden you've been placing on your own shoulders for the sake of pride or validation from men? Or are you going to continue sleeping with one eye open, refusing to be vulnerable and fully trust the God who loves you too much to leave you the same?
