you ever felt like you don’t know what you’re doing? HA, i feel like that every day. and sometimes it can feel scary because since the age of 4, people have been asking “what do you wanna be when you grow up?” and for the people that say “doctor” and then actually become doctors, it’s awesome. but for those of us that said “waitress” or “christian rapper” (i went through a phase in 3rd grade.. #dctalk), we realize later that wait, that’s not actually what we want to do, nor do we have the talent to spit rhymes for a living. and this can be unnerving because we feel like we have no dreams or aspirations or direction. and we’re DOOMED. calm down, you’re not doomed.
but then other times, the not knowing is a beautiful place to sit and take a breath. to realize that you are not in control, the Father is. to see that life is more than just busy, it’s rich. to gain perspective that it’s not always about plans, it’s about purpose. and when i “don’t know,” many times that is when i come face to face with what i know most: i am found and fulfilled in the heart of God.
i think that’s how our favorite-proverbs 31-wifeable-woman can “smile at the future”…she knows who HOLDS the future, she knows who IS the future, and He is so worthy to be smiled at.
when i finished my world race in may of 2015, i didn’t know what i was going to do when i got home. i had a degree in nursing but realized that (similarly to waitressing and rapping) that’s not what i wanted to do. but the Lord opened a door. He loves doing that. and i moved to sumter, south carolina and began working with the youth ministry at the church where my dad pastors. once a PK, always a PK, am i right? and it has been one of my favorite years of life. living with (mooching off of) my family, coming to know and cherish this community, hanging out with students that like to keep me updated on what slang terms are in and which ones should never be said again. sorry, i just can’t say “that’s lit” with a straight face. so as amazing as this adventure of a year has been, i have felt a nudging and a leading in my spirit towards another direction…
(i was going to ask you to drumroll, but that’s unnecessary)… i’m going to be squad leading a world race route that leaves in october and travels to el salvador, honduras, guatemala, uganda, and rwanda. honestly, i’m beyond excited and feel incredibly humbled to step into this role. the alumni squad leaders on my race were our visionaries, they were the ones that pushed us to places we may not have otherwise gone, they were the seekers of a higher calling, they were our tone setters and our forerunners. and i know they only carried the impact that they did because they were led by the Father. this is why i feel dependent, i feel weak, i feel inadequate, because in and of myself i am dependent, weak, and inadequate. to walk where Jesus walked, i need Him. to go where He went, i am helpless on my own. but when i walk surrendered to Him, that’s when lives are changed, that’s when He is glorified, and that’s when people can taste and see how good He is.
the person that i was when i left for my race in 2014 was not the same person who came back 11 months later. the goal of the world race is to venture to 11 countries in 11 months, serving the “least of these” and making disciples of Jesus, while partaking of very real and rich community ourselves. we worshipped with Malawian widows, we prayed with a Haitian mom and son to receive the love of God, we offered hope and a way out to Filipino girls being prostituted, we had dance parties with some rowdy Mozambican boys, we brought food to hungry Guatemalan children who offered their thanks by beating us Americans in soccer. we wanted to share the Father’s heart, and in sharing it, i saw it in new ways for myself. i saw that in a broken and hurting world, we, as the sons and daughters of the Father, hold the keys to wholeness and joy. i saw that i come from a society that tries to fulfill its boredom with busy, but when I say “yes” to walking with Jesus, i can guarantee adventure and excitement will follow. i also realized some things that I want: i want to see people have “light bulb” moments with Jesus, those moments where something clicks and you become aware of a truth about who God is and who you are. i want to speak about those truths and about the goodness i have tasted of and seen in pursuing Jesus. i want to see chains of insecurity and shame and bitterness broken off of people and for freedom to reign. i want His kingdom to come and His will to be done on earth as it is in heaven.
to be able to lead people into some of the things that i experienced, to lead them into some of the joys that God is promising them, to walk alongside my brothers and sisters on this journey is a dream come true and a deep honor.
i tell you all of this to ask for your support and your help because i’ll be gone for 5 months and know i need encouragement and prayer. i also am in the process of raising $6500 and welcome any and all donations. you can donate by clicking that button that says “Donate” and give one time or monthly. i welcome you to follow my story and see the beautiful things the Lord is doing around the world. if you read this entire thing, you’re amazing, and i’m hugging you right now from a distance.
currently praising Jesus for His saving grace and for chinese food.
