I was just silent.
I listened to the music playing in the car, sang along, and RESTED. I disobeyed the leading of the Lord.
We arrived at the train station, said our goodbyes, and
Vitalie drove away still visibly heavy-hearted. We all went inside the train station and immediately, I
shared Vitalie’s situation with the teams and we prayed over him.
However, from the moment that Vitalie drove away, I felt a
heaviness fall on me. At the time
I had no idea that there was a connection. I had no idea that the huge fatigue that had hit me was
anything other than having really given it my all that month. I figured I was just tired and needed
some alone time to rest.
I was worn out for the next 24 hours. Lots of people mentioned to me that I
seemed super weird and not myself but I would just tell them that I was tired. It was really weird.
The next morning (after taking another overnight train to
Bucharest, Romania) the team leaders all met with our squad leaders and talked
about our months together. We went
around the table and just each shared what God had done in us personally that
month and shared where we were emotionally/physically/spiritually at that
time. When it got around to my
turn, I pretty much just shared with everyone that I was really worn out. I told them that it had been a really
hard month and that I was just worn out from it.
Right after I passed the torch on and the next person began
speaking, the Lord popped into my head and started asking me why I hadn’t
shared what He had actually done in my life that month! He was wondering where His glory was in
my “being tired”. I felt so
prompted to just share what God had actually done in my life.
So, once the circle was complete, I asked if everyone would
mind me just getting a do over.
I started sharing with them all the places that Jesus had
taken me this past month! I told
them briefly about the deepness of the phrase “the Lord’s goodness” and told
them how much His goodness had satisfied me over the month. Etc etc.
By the time I finished talking to them about it, my legs
were bouncing around with energy again!
It was crazy. The fatigue just peaced right out!
A few minutes after I finished talking, Kyle mentioned to me
that he was really glad that I had gone for the do over. He said that I had just seemed
super-burdened for the past 24 hours and that he was happy to see me let some
of it go. I told him that I
was feeling a ton better and then I said something that I can’t believe I
said. I said “yeah, I think I was
just walking in a lot of guilt because there were some things that I know I
needed to say to Vitalie yesterday and I didn’t.”
I hadn’t even realized that this was the case!! I had no
idea before I said those words that it was guilt that was weighing me
down. It was actually really
awesome because I feel like the Lord just took over my voice for a minute and
spoke truth to me through myself! Insane.
I almost immediately headed to my computer to process some
of this stuff out. When I process,
I just start typing and my mind begins the processing. As I was typing, God started to show me
that the heaviness didn’t lift when I realized that I had been weighed down by
guilt. The heaviness lifted when I
forgot about the guilt and started dwelling on what HE is doing in my life
right now.
He showed me that the only thing between being weighed down
by guilt and being free and full of the spirit is just repentance. All it takes is just saying “Lord, I
failed. I am sorry. I love you.” That’s all it takes!!
Sure, in this case it also involved sending an email to my friend Vitalie
to share the things that Jesus wanted me to share with him in the first
place…but the truth is that guilt has already been conquered by the Lord and
there’s no reason that we have to carry it. Guilt is not something that Jesus EVER wants His children to
walk in. It is NEVER part of His
plan for us.
As I went through this process, Jesus began to show me
something. As He walked me through
all the things that He has done in me this past month, He began to speak
something to me that I have never let myself hear from the Lord. He let me hear that HE IS PROUD OF ME.
I can’t believe that I have never let the Lord speak this to
me. My father has been an INSANE
example of the Lord’s heart in this.
My father has told me that he is proud of me my entire life. The words “I’m proud of you son”
absolutely never lose any of their meaning no matter how many times he says
them. My father being proud of me
has been such a place of confidence in my life since I was so small.
When I first heard that the Lord is proud of me and that He
is PROUD of the month that I just spent with Him, my mind was blown. He told me that He is just LOVING the
fire that I have burning inside me for more of His spirit right now. He is proud of me!!
I think that part of why I have not ever been able to hear
this truth is because I have walked in that stupid fear of pride creeping into
my life. I have thought that if I
let myself start hearing that Jesus is proud of me, then I might start thinking
that everyone else should be proud of me and begin to get prideful about
it. Such a stupid lie from the
enemy!
Jesus has been showing me that there is no pride in knowing
the Father’s heart for yourself…knowing that He is proud of who you are.
My confidence in the Lord and in myself as a man of God has
been growing over the past couple days.
It has been awesome to see some of the insecurities that I have about
being a leader get washed away as I step into confidence in my identity in the
Lord. The truth is that Jesus is
leading me right now and I am letting Him have the reigns! Because of that, He loves letting me
lead and He loves watching me lead.
I just don’t even know how to describe the way that this confidence in
the Lord is permeating my life.
I don’t have to walk in fear of pride! Of course, I will definitely still be
looking for it and trying to get all the pride that IS still in my heart out in
the open. I’m not going to let my
guard down. But the truth is that
Jesus is speaking to me. And the
truth is that I am walking in victory over pride in a lot of ways as I walk in
obedience to the Lord. Fear is
another thing that He never has for His children.
So here I am. I
know that both of my fathers are proud of me and of who I am. I know that Jesus is proud of the man
that He has made me into when I am walking in the identity that HE HAS GIVEN
ME!! He loves for me to walk in
confidence in my GOD-GIVEN identity because then, HE GET’S THE GLORY!!! BECAUSE HE IS THE ONE WHO MADE ME THIS
WAY!! Agh it’s just a sweet cycle
when you can see everything going back to giving all the glory to the
Lord. I love it.
OK, I’m cutting it really close on time so I’m going to fly
back up to the roof of our house in the middle of Kathmandu, Nepal for some
worship time. There are mountains
everywhere and we get to worship the Lord in the middle of them…on a
rooftop…don’t just be jealous.
Start having your own adventures with Jesus. It’s the greatest.
Just to be clear so that everybody knows, I miss my family
like NOBODY’S BUSINESS. Hope to be
able to blog again soon!! Sounds like internet and electricity could be hit or
miss here in Nepal for the next 3 weeks or so but I will do what I can to stay
connected!! Love you guys.
