It feels so weird sitting down to write as I have been so very busy and processing so much. I must say though… to sit down, take the time, find wifi! And open up about what has been happening and what God is teaching me is a breathe of fresh air…. A couple logistical things to catch you up! We wrapped up our time at Beacon of Hope in Mozambique on the 4th of February. God knows me really well…. Well enough to know how much my heart burns to see orphaned boys discover their identity. As we left early that morning, 5 am to be exact. I was blasted with the sudden, real, and sobering reality of what it meant to be a street kid in Mozambique…. To see it on the Tube, or to read about it in article simply comes short of bringing the actual reality of being a Mozambican as being there. Leaving that morning, giving high fives and hugs, and even shedding a couple of tears left me with some clear answers to some things, but also some new questions to other things. During the next week at debrief in South Africa I began to wrestle very hard with some things I had hidden under layers of other realities of my past, and my present. I began to ask myself a simple question I had asked numerous times through my life. I was struggling with whether I was truly thankful for my life, for who I was, and for what God had given me….
Today, I sit here looking at a breath taking mountain ridge in Manzini, Swaziland writing and reflecting on this simple theme… Being Grateful. Now to any of you that have spent any length of time in a third world nation or even a developing third world nation, you will know that it is next to impossible to leave and not be more grateful for what you have. Without question, that has happened to me over the last month. However, in processing my time in Mozambique, I began sobering up to the daunting question of whether I was a truly grateful man, a grateful Christian man…. In essence I have realized that a lack of contentment , a lack of joy, an ungrateful heart had grown very deep roots into my soul. I was reading Philippians 4 the other day and I came to verses 11-13. Paul says, “Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. (12) I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.”
As I have been reflecting on what Paul was saying it hit me that Paul had come to a place in his life of realization. In addressing the church of Philippi, Paul enters a segment of self reflection about the place he had come to in his own life. Now, I’m sure an aspect of this text was speaking to Paul’s dependence on material things. However, in looking at Paul’s life and the struggles he had, I believe he was referring to more. He was referring to a place of gratefulness he had reached in his life, a contentment. Paul had become content not only with what he had, but content with his Life as a whole. He realized that God had made him, formed him, and provided for every need in his life. Paul had discovered how to rest with a thankful heart. The word used in the ESV is “content” and I believe this word is something I’ve struggled greatly to have in my life.
This whole process of applying, fundraising and getting on the Race has stretched me beyond measure. In this process I made a list of goals and things I wanted to receive clarity on and accomplish this year. I laid out my hopes and expectations. However, God has chosen to do much more in me than through me this first month and a half…. One thing the World Race does is backs you into a corner where you are forced to face your personal struggles in life head on. There is little to no privacy and no means to cope in ways that were previously easy and comforting.
I came into the Race wanting God to use me, to give me the strength to make lasting impact in communities and in individuals. Don’t get me wrong…. God has been using me, and he will continue to use me as I grow in him. Right now though, he has pushed me into a corner to face my denial, in a heart that has failed for some time now to be grateful and content with my life. Jesus has been calling me, is calling me, to rest and be content in all seasons and in every circumstance, no matter how difficult. He is bringing me into an understanding… in a similar way that he brought Paul into an understanding. God, in his own way, that in many cases makes no sense to me is saying, “choose gratefulness, choose to rest with a content heart, I have and will always give you everything you need….”.
With Love,
Cj
