Lately I’ve felt stressed. I’ve felt pulled every direction, as if I’m Mrs. Stretch Armstrong and I’ve got a person, a task, a to do list, on every arm, leg, finger, and toe. It’s exhausting. And I’m not good at it, really. I can move pretty fast and be pretty present, but its not that great. Having one of Stretch’s arms is nothing compared to having his/her entire heart and soul and being present.
And I haven’t been. Present, that is.
These past couple of weeks, I really started praying and meditating and, if I’m being honest, ruminating, over what I’m doing wrong and how on earth to fix it.
I’m busy all the time, I’m tired all the time, and I’m not having enough time to think about what on earth I’m feeling in any given moment. I’m doing life so very reactively and not really at all intentionally.
This is not my happy place.
Through various God sessions, therapy sessions, and friend sessions, I uncovered a few truths about myself:
I am an anxious person and anxious people seek control (we already knew that one).
I am feeling very out of control right now…and this is of my own doing (thanks me).
I want to control all of these out of control parts…aka my emotions and everyone else’s.
Here’s the thing, folks. You can’t control other people’s emotions. I know, I know, revolutionary. But my goodness, I wish I had an off switch for this. It happens to me so often and in all of the best and all of the worst ways.
Best: I want all of my friends and family to feel loved and adored 98% of the time so I try to notice them, hear them, support them, and love them well.
Worst: Everything else.
We (me) do this ultimately so we will feel loved and not rejected in life. We take on other people’s emotions, needs, and expectations so that we can be pretty clear how NOT to get rejected or hurt.
But guys, I’m hurting all over. You all are hurting all over. We are hurting all over.
And it’s okay.
A therapist friend told me the other day that he wanted me to hurt in front of him. I said something astonished sounding like, “Wha?!” Prior to this, I had just been giving him the excited “World Race Smile.” But lets be honest, my cheeks were beginning to hurt.
He went on to explain that when I get sad about leaving my life, my job, my friends, and going on The World Race, my emotion helps him to process his sadness and allows us get to be sad together, rather than alone, or confused or even inappropriately out of place later.
Now obviously, being all therapisty, I’m pro healthy emotional processing, so I was pretty hyped about his answer to this problem I’m having.
“You mean, not only do I get to let go of trying to be everything to everyone (and failing), but I also get to feel my own feelings WITH YOU. And I get to believe that it helps both of us?!”
This is winning.
And freedom.
Glorious freedom.
From myself.
I had set expectations for my emotions that were lonely and unreachable and downright unhealthy. All I really wanted and needed was to be just me. Authentic and present with people. Real and vulnerable.
And crazily enough, vulnerability begets vulnerability. Rather than trying to be what I think you need and smile a lot, I just get to be me and then you get to be you. We’re all sorts of messy and sobby and worried and excited and frantic…and really LOVED. And really in it together.
When I feel out of control, drifting in my emotions and hoping everyone else gets me, I’m working on not just knowing I have an anchor in Christ but living it it. I am His. I am LOVED.
I saw this quote the other day and it blessed me. I hope it blesses all of you.
“If He truly is the stability of our times—and He is—then the ground isn’t necessary for stability and balance. We can be stable when we’re suspended in flight, through wind and storms as much as in sunlight.” – Lauren Chandler
