Oh wow God.
Here we go.
Let’s all be brave.
Right?
Lord I’m so ready to be with you.
How appropriate that these past few months have been some of the most chaotic of my life. Since, really, that’s some of what needs to change.
I looked down today and realized that I had even become a bit detached from the vision.
Of seeking You wholly.
Of surrendering.
Of being on my knees and hearing your voice and opening up my eyes to a tear-covered, wet, floor.
These past few months, I’ve been busy. Busy with so much goodness but busy. I’ve been working and fundraising and packing and unpacking and spending time with Your people. My people.
But God, I need more of You and it just hasn’t felt like there is enough time.
And it’s funny because I think I need to tell You this, but Father, You know. You know my heart. And it’s part of the reason You’ve called me here. To this place. To going on a mission trip around the world for a year.
God you know that when someone texts me amidst devotions, I text back.
You know that I’ll cut into my alone time with You to have coffee with a friend in need.
You watch as I do a million other things instead of sitting in your presence. Relishing in who You are.
Oh Father, I’m sorry. These words pour out from my heart this morning as I’ve felt Your absence.
You’re here, of course, You’re always here.
But there’s the intimacy of knowing You, God and there’s the intimacy of being held by You, Father.
Of weeping with you and chattering with You.
Of carrying You as my number one. Every hour. Every minute.
Oh, Father come.
Amen.
Friends, I’ve talked a ton about this trip and all of what it means to me, but regretfully I think I’ve left off of this blog the most important reason I’m going on this trip…unbelievable, heart-changing, intimacy with my Father.
I’ve talked about it one on one with friends and mentors. I’ve prayed it out loud as the cry of my heart. But I haven’t explained it to you all.
So let me try.
Because it’s a big deal.
About 5 years ago I started reading a blog called He Speaks In The Silence. It’s written by Diane Comer, a woman who went deaf early on in her life and in her surrender to the Lord, found an intimacy with Him she never could have imagined. She writes about a lot of different things. Being a mom, a grandma, a leader, a woman, a wife, her daily life. But the foundation and platform of her heart is an unbelievable relationship with Jesus. God slowly has used her words to change beliefs about Him in my heart.
Through her and various other amazing women, who all love Jesus with their entire being, I started to see that there was more to God than I understood.
In fact, there was more to God than I could ever understand.
So I started to lean in.
And God showed me more of Him.
It happened in so many different ways. I’d be really poor and extra money would show up somehow. I got pulled over and was scared and crying about insurance and he showed me how to trust Him more. And then a little bit deeper. I was in worship service and as I began to pray, my heart felt like it was going to burst and I started bawling knowing He was showing me how loved I was.
Feelings I had never felt before rushed in.
And stayed.
I began to surrender problem after problem, anxiety after worry after sickness and He showed up.
And as He did, I found that I trusted Him more, I loved Him deeper, and I felt more whole.
It’s a funny thing, how loving and knowing God, shows you the path to loving and knowing YOU.
People talk a lot about how God shows them how to speak into others lives and be more selfless and yada, yada, but I would argue that’s an overflow of you, first. I, first, had to be changed (had to know my crap), in order to love people better.
To love my Mom better.
My friends better.
My clients better.
The coffee barista better.
In any case, about 3 years ago, God started whispering words to me about going away. I had three separate thoughts that he collided. “God I want to do a mission trip.” “God I want to have a job that serves the impoverished.” “God I desperately want more of you.” Soon, He showed me the World Race, and I started to cry. It was terrifying. But you guys know that story (or if you don’t feel free to pop back like 17 blog posts).
As I’ve journeyed with God, prepping for this mission with Him. I’ve fallen more in love with Him.
Can I say that here?
I think some people feel like it’s pretty weird to talk about God so personally, so human, so intimately.
But it’s true and deep and very real.
And truthfully, I think I need to say it. For me.
In a world that sidelines God and minimizes exactly how personal He is, I need you guys to hear me about Him. He IS personal. That loving every hair on your head thing in scripture? That loving all the birds so how much must he love you thing in the bible?
It’s all true.
It’s all real.
I feel it.
I know it.
Here’s my truth this next year:
He is my purpose.
He is my vision.
He is my heart.
And He is what I want more of these next 11 months. He is why I’m going.
I’m so excited to Love people well. To laugh and find joy with the littlest of hearts. And to cry and break with the brokenhearted.
But it will only be because His heart found me first.
