Missionaries aren’t supposed to lose faith, get discouraged, or question God! Thankfully we serve a loving God who continues to pursue us when we get frustrated and want to run home. I want to share with you some challenging things I’ve experienced this month, and how God has proven to be a sovereign and loving Father.
This month hasn’t been easy; one weekend in particular was terribly difficult for me. We have two days off from ministry each week and spent one weekend visiting another team in Heredia, Costa Rica. Seeing the other team was like coming home to family. Being welcomed by their ministry team gave me a glimpse of what God created community to be. I experienced a lot of spiritual warfare that weekend. All my doubts, failed expectations, and fears came to the surface. I cried. And I mean ugly cried. At one point I wanted to run home and leave the race, which brought feelings of guilt. I thought “How could I give up so easily, I must not be strong enough for this mission. I let the enemy win today.” But the enemy didn’t win because there is no winning or losing when the game is already over….God already holds victory in my life, even during the moments I feel defeated. God gave me a vision of a brick wall….Satan’s lies were the bricks. Every time the enemy lied to me, he was handing me a brick that I laid before my feet. Before I knew it I couldn’t see God, my team, or His vision, the wall was too high. I kept trying to jump over it, knock it down, or run through but I couldn’t. I could only stand there behind the wall, hopeless. God was right there though, waiting for me to give Him the cue to break down the wall. Once God broke down the wall I had a choice to make. When satan handed me a brick, would I lay it down? Create a stronghold out of it? Would I believe his lies that I’m not good enough, God’s not listening, or my ministry will bear no fruit? Or would I toss the lie to the side and keep my view on Christ? I choose Christ. I choose Christ today, tomorrow, and forevermore. I choose Christ when life sucks. I choose Christ when the enemy lies to me. God is so good. When I fell flat on my face, sunk to the bottom of my being and shattered into a million pieces, He picked me up. He wiped my tears, but never told me to stop crying. He reminded me that I am His and He is mine. He spoke truth and love over me through several of my squad mates. He surrounded me with people who looked past the swollen eyes and snotty nose and saw me as worthy, enough, pure, sanctified and justified by Christ’s blood.
The next two weekends, I was sick. I had horrible stomach pain and spent and entire week in the bathroom. After the medicine I brought with me failed, I was put on parasite medicine that cleared everything up within 48 hours. The morning of my last dose, I started getting sick….again. Headache, congestion, ear pain, fevers, and a raw throat were my new reality. Both of these illnesses caused me to miss ministry, and I was devastated. Why would God allow me to get sick when my time here is so limited; each day being so precious? I thought back to the weekend I had in Heredia and was trying to toss the lies of the enemy to the side. But sometimes it’s easier to get upset, question God, and give up. I was mad. This was NOT how my first month of ministry was supposed to look like. The bricks were piling up until I could no longer see over the wall. I thought, “I can’t do this for another 10 months. How could God possibly use me to spread His good news while I’m laying on my sleeping pad.” Month one was supposed to set the tone for the entire race, but this was NOT the right tone.
In desperation for some truth, I called my dad. I would get sick all over again to experience those precious 30 minutes we shared over FaceTime once more. He agreed that my situation was difficult, but he also shared me with me a song that will impact me for the rest of my life.
Here are the lyrics:
I try to fit you in the walls inside my mind.
I try to keep you safely in between the lines.
I try to put you in box that I’ve designed.
I try to pull you down so we are eye to eye.
When did I forget that you’ve always been the King of the world?
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the King of the world.
How could I make you so small when You’re the one who holds it all?
When did I forget that you’ve always been the King of the world?
I listened to this song on FaceTime with my dad and wept. When did I forget that He is a sovereign and loving God? When did I forget that God’s plans are bigger and more intricate than I could ever imagine? Why do I try to see Him eye to eye and think I know better? Why do I question His Will when I don’t instantly see the fruit?
The challenges aren’t over. I’m going to see things in the next 10 months that break my heart. I’m not going to understand everything that happens. I will stumble over my words when people ask me why a loving God doesn’t cure cancer or always feed a starving child. I want to encourage anyone reading this to answer the question I am going to ask myself the next time life knocks me down: When did you forget that He’s always been the King of the world?
Our God is so good. In fact, my mind can’t even begin to comprehend his goodness. Thankfully we don’t have to understand why things happen, we just have to believe He is good. And good He is!
-Christen
