On February 28th, 2017 I was sitting on an overnight train going from Malaysia to Thailand. I noticed my wrists and ankles were getting stiff and sore, but I contributed it to carrying 70 pounds of gear with flip flops on (oops). That night I woke up with a high fever and my entire body was in pain. My fever spiked to 103, even with medicine in my system and lasted 4 days. After my fever broke I developed a rash over my whole body. After two trips to the hospital, the doctors concluded it was just a virus and sent me home with Tylenol. All my symptoms eventually went away, except my joint pain. It got so bad I could barely walk. I spent the majority of March in bed, but by the end the pain subsided to a dull ache. I was getting healthy and strong! Ready to hit the ground running in April as our team traveled to Cambodia.
Cambodia started off great! I was use to my joints being a little stiff in the morning, but could still participate in everything. Slowly but surely the pain started getting worse again. By the end of April I couldn’t get out of bed without having to clench my teeth in pain. Some mornings my friends had to help me get dressed, as the pain moved into my shoulders. Three days before we traveled to the Philippines I decided to go to another hospital, completely desperate for some relief. I visited a beautiful, very respectable international hospital and was tested for everything you can imagine. The doctor concluded I had developed “post viral arthritis and fibromyalgia” and sent me home with 4 different narcotic pain killers.
In May we were in the Philippines! I was ready and determined to see healing come, but it didn’t. If I was on all four painkillers, the pain was completely tolerable, but I had no appetite and was constatantly exhausted. I could feel my faith slipping and my frustration building. I felt guilty praying for healing in others, because I thought God was temporarily off duty in the healing deparement. I was fighting depression and lost desire to go to ministry.
I finally accepted the reality that I might have to go home, and leave the World Race early. BUT I wanted to try one last time to get some answers. My squad leader and I flew to the best hospital in the Philippines. I was admitted and saw multiple doctors of different specialites. When the basic blood test came back normal, they checked for Rheumatoid Arthritis, Lupus, Lymes, and other terrifiying diseases. I was in a dark place while I waited for the results…
What if this is permanent?
What if I have cancer…?
What if I’m going to end up in a wheelchair?
Is God punishing me?
Did God say no to healing because I lacked faith?
Negative. Negative. Negative. Every test was negative. On paper I was completely healthy. Typically this would make someone happy. While I was happy to rule out serious conditions, I was heartbroken. How can everything be negative? Am I making this up? The doctor told me the pain was a result of the virus I contracted back in February. He said I needed to return to the States and be on bedrest for at least a month. In that moment, I felt complete peace. I knew I couldn’t leave the field unless God called me to, and that peace confirmed this was the right move. Within two days I was on a flight home, brokenhearted, but determined to get better.
Home has been tough. I’m surrounded by family and all the comforts we dream of having on the Race, but all I want is to go back. I was thrilled to see my family, but I left behind my new family and never even got to say goodbye. Being on “bedrest” has given me lots of time to wrestle with satan and fight for the Lord…
Why, why, WHY would You do this to me?
Why would you take me away from the thing I’m the most passionate about?
I went to serve YOU, and you ripped that away from me!
Did I even go to serve You? Or did I go for myself? Is that was this is about, showing me I went on the World Race for the wrong reasons?
Do you expect me to beg for healing? I’m done asking.
Are you punishing me for not being a good enough missionary?
Is wanting to go back selfish of me?
Do you really love me?
Deep, deep down I know these questions stem from lies, but I can’t deny how real they feel right now.
A lot of people have told me “everything is going to be okay.” But what if it’s not? What happens when things don’t get better, and people aren’t healed? Does our faith come from knowing things will eventually get better? Then what happens if they don’t? For the first time in my life, I am experiencing what it means to have RAW faith. Faith that doesn’t ask the “what ifs.” Faith that isn’t circumstantial based. Faith that whispers “I trust You,” even when the world says that You have abandoned me.
I’m currently writing this blog with my ankle in a boot and my shoulder in a sling. It’s painful to type because my wrists and fingers ache. I’m not going to tell you I have answers and new revelations that take my frustrations away, because right now I don’t. But I find rest on these truths:
1. Sickness is a result of living in a fallen world. In His perfect sovereignty, God can use this brokenness to bring glory to His name and expand His Kingdom.
-From a worldly perspective, that might seem selfish. So God lets His children suffer to bring glory to Himself? But as a Christian, the most important thing to me is glorifying the Lord.
2. THIS! “Experience cannot be allowed to have the final word—it must be judged and shown up as deceptive and misleading. The theology of the Cross draws our attention to the sheer unreliability of experience as a guide to the presence and activity of God. God is active and present in his world, quite independently of whether we experience him as being so. Experience declared that God was absent from Calvary, only to have its verdict humiliatingly overturned on the third day.”
-Alister McGrath in Mystery of the Cross (Zondervan, 1990)
Thank you so much for praying for me! I feel so loved and supported from people all over the world! God Bless!
