“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment…
Instead, it should be that of your inner self,
the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit which is of great worth in God's sight”
1 Peter 3:3
My outward adornment? My neck. Yes, my neck.
You see, my body produces an amount of hormones that makes me have dark hair grow on my face and neck. Since high school, this has been my BIGGEST insecurity.
I have tried many things in order to get rid of it (medicine, waxing, threading, plucking, etc.), but what has seemed to win the daily battle is a little electronic razor from Walgreens. I have now used these razors every morning for the past five or six years.
One day last week, I had a moment of panic. I did not know where I put my razor!!!! Relief quickly came over me as I realized it was in the bathroom, but the moment of panic still lingered in my brain.
“God, why did that moment affect me SO badly?”
“Christel, you have been haunted by this for years. It has to stop.
Don't bring your razor with you to the village.”
Just when I thought the panic had subsided, it quickly was ignited again.
“God, How could you ask me of such a thing?! We will be there for a week and my neck will be horrible by the end. I have never gone more than two days without doing something about my neck. When we get back, the rest of the girls on the squad will see me like this. Worse yet, what will the boys think if they see me?!”
That's when I knew it had to be done.
God immediately brought me back to two other moments in my life where the hair on my neck haunted me to show me just how much I have been affected by this.
Situation 1:
Originally when I was called to the race, I was going to launch in September. After much discernment, God called me away from the race for a time before calling me back. My first reaction to this?
“Yes! Now I don't have to worry about what to do with my neck”
Woah! Of all things to be relieved about, that was it!
Situation 2:
Last December, I went to visit my boyfriend in Germany for a week. The night before I left, I could not emotionally say good bye. I bawled my eyes out and eventually needed him to take me to my room for the night. After only a few hours of unrestful sleep, I got up and got ready to leave my boyfriend and his family. As I was in the bathroom about to shave my neck, my razor broke and a tiny piece fell down the drain. I couldn't shave my neck and I had to say goodbye to my boyfriend for a month. In my mind, there was nothing else that could go wrong.
After four days in the village, the Lord brought me to 1 Peter 3:3
“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment…
Instead, it should be that of your inner self,
the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit which is of great worth in God's sight”
He reminded me that my beauty does not come from my outward appearance. It comes from my unfading, gentle and quiet spirit. It is now our last day in the village and from the world's eyes, my neck might not look very pretty. But I have an unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit which is of greater worth in God's eyes.
PAUSE
This was where I was planning on ending this blog. It was nice and pretty and well written, God wants you to know more.
Tonight I got back from the village. God told me not to shave until tomorrow morning. All of the girls on the squad were here in this house as I thought. All of the boys were here as well. I was prayed up and prepared and was able to see all of them without a problem. Little did I know, the night's plans were to have worship in the coffee shop after a house meeting. During the house meeting, we were told that one of the guy's on our squad was being called away from the race by God and was leaving soon.
I went downstairs to worship and had the most real worship of my life. I sang my heart out. The Lord told me to raise my hands in the air and to raise my neck up to the air. Complete surrender. I shared this story with one of my former teammates and got prayer. As I was spilling my heart and story out to this girl, God told me to share my story with the guy who was leaving and to get prayer. To let the lie out to a guy.
After I got enough courage to to talk to him, I spilled my heart again. After I was finished, he told me about a blog that he read back before the race about a girl who got eyelashes from God on the race. I totally read that blog before the race, too, and was just thinking about this the last few days!
He prayed for me and I told him good bye.
After that, I went upstairs and cried hysterically to God. I had to grieve with God about how I was made. I haven't believed I am beautiful. Then I was honest with myself and heard my thoughts
“Why didn't this guy tell me he was proud of me? Or thank me?”
Oh man. God brought me to another hard truth. I have found and have continued to find my self worth in men. In the men around me. In my dad. In my boyfriend.
God told me to not talk to my boyfriend this month. Now I know why. I needed to see that I not only seek my worth from my boyfriend, but from other guys as well. I didn't want to learn and realize that, but it's the truth.
I immediately repented of getting my affirmation from men and not from God. Then I proceeded to go and find a friend to go to McDonalds with me for some dinner. As I was waiting for her, I went to the bathroom. As I looked at myself in the mirror, for the first time, I saw what God and others see when they look at me. I saw me as a beautiful woman. I saw my eyes. I saw my mouth. I saw my smile. For the first time in 15 years, I did not only see my neck.
I have a joy in me that I can't contain. I am now walking with my neck held high with beauty in my eyes. I am praying that God takes away the hair on my neck, but it's ok if he doesn't. I know that I am worthy with or without the hair. That it doesn't define me.
So that is me. Last week. Yesterday and today. Tomorrow I will shave, but when I look into the mirror, I will see what God sees instead of what I see. God is so good.
