Currently we are in Manzini, Swaziland on our second month. We arrived here on Monday and are here until the end of February. We are staying at the AIM house with two other teams and my team and I are currently visiting patients who are terminally ill and just creating relationships with them. We visit them and talk with them (if they know English) and sing and dance for them. Other teams are at a school and helping teach basic motor skills to young kids and doing sports ministry in the afternoon.
I want to let you in on my emotional struggle of the past few days. Last week I told you guys that I was in South Africa for my debrief. We had internet there at our hostel at our disposal. Because of that, everyone who is in a relationship in the states was able to talk with their significant other. My boyfriend, Jan, is on the World Race as well, but on a different squad. Communication between two racers is VERY difficult.
He was traveling to Peru for his next country with his squad and didn't know what his internet would look like. I knew that logically, but since I had wireless and a lot of free time, I had created an expectation that we would skype. God did not say this and Jan did not say this, but I created this expectation in my head.
Because of this, I kept getting constantly disappointed when I went on the computer and didn't hear anything from him. It got to the weekend (when we had two full free days and unlimited internet) when things got really bad.
I was so sad and mad that I could not talk to him. I just wanted to communicate with him. I didn't understand why I wasn't able to. I just wanted to encourage him in what he was walking through. I would tell people about it and they would encourage me to give him to God.
Hearing this, I became frusterated because I felt like I had already done that, but that this was different. But when I did try to give Jan to God, I just kept trying to do it by my own strength and it wasn't working.
Last night I was processing my feelings with God and He really spoke some truth over me.
The night before we left for the race, God gave Jan and I really good complimentary visions for the year. God told Jan that he needed to give me to Him. Jan had a vision of himself holding me in his arms and then he had to physically give me over to the arms of Jesus. That same night, I was reminded of a past image from months prior of Jesus' arms stretched out for me. That Jesus' arms was where I was supposed to go. Jan wrote a beautiful blog about these images that night and you can read that here:
http://jan-luetjethoden.theworldrace.org/?filename=my-girl-my-princess
Well, last night I was rereading my journal from last month and was reminded of these visions. I felt God really explain to me how those images were to help me now.
I kept trying to give Jan to God by my own strength. Essentially I was trying to be a man and do things with strength as my number one character quality.
God reminded me last night that my role in that vision was to run to God as my Heavenly daddy. Right now I am supposed to run to Him with my struggles and get my comfort from Him. Whatever I am feeling, it is alright because my heavenly Father wants to listen to me and comfort me as a father does for his little girl.
I don't need to handle this situation with my strength. I need to handle it with vulnerability and honesty with my emotions with my Daddy.
I still miss Jan like crazy, but God is showing me to find my comfort in Him during this time. My Heavenly daddy wants me to come to him with my feelings and emotions and just sit on His lap and get comfort. He wants me to be His little girl.
Happy Valentines Day, Jan. I miss you.
