"It is not ok to be mad, angry, or frustrated. It is WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
This is the lie that has played in my head for years.
I always thought that I had to be the happy-go-lucky Christian who didn't get mad at all. That I always had to have a smile on my face. That it was wrong to be frustrated or angry or mad. That people wouldn't think you were a good person anymore or wouldn't think you were a Christian. So I would suppress any and EVERY thought and action that would be associated with those feelings. Don't get me wrong, I of course had these feelings. Everybody does, but I would just never express them to anyone. They would stay bottled up inside of me until I would either burst into tears in my room or a private area or just would come out in snippy comments to others. Others who probably were unrelated to the original anger in the first place.
We have had an interesting week here in Chaingmai. We were supposed to go to the village on Friday, then Saturday and now we are going on Monday. We haven't really done "official" ministry because of doctor/hospital visits and things changing all the time. So we have had a lot more free time than normal. Because of that, I have found lots of time to rest and hang out with people and do good things. I really thought that everything was fine with me emotionally until I took some quiet time this afternoon.
I went to the roof and started talking to God. Originally I started letting out my frustration on not being able to talk to my boyfriend and not having much one-on-one conversations with people. This then lead to the root of the problem.
I don't believe it is ok to be angry.
This is a complete lie and I would not believe it for anyone else. But somewhere in my life, I believed the lie that it is not ok to be angry. Well, God has been teaching me a lot about being honest with myself and others about how I am actually feeling. That it is ok to be "where I am at" emotionally, wherever that is. In light of that, I started writing out all of the things I was mad about.
Typically, my journaling stops there because I have let my emotions out and I feel better. But this time, God took me to a different place. God reminded me that anger typically comes out of a result for passion for something. So He had me write out all of the things I was angry about. Then I was to look at that thing about anger and see what the passion was. I want to take you right to my journal and let you see my lists.
Anger
I am mad that I can't talk to Jan. I am mad that these women are sex-trafficked. I am mad that the treasurer responsibilities never stop. I am mad that I can't get smaller bills to hand out food money on time. I am mad that I can't give people their food money when it is needed. I am mad that I am not having one-on-one conversations. I am mad that there are so many people around. I am mad that I can't see jan for 6 more months. I am mad that I was alone so much this week. I am mad that I haven't spent much time with the passport girls. I am mad that I didn't spend as much time with God this week. I am mad that my body has been so tight (my neck/head and arms). I am mad that there is no where private to go and that I don't have my own space. I am mad that I have been listening to the same music for 6 months now. I am mad that I can't just have music playing on a cd player while I am doing mindless things. I am mad that if I want to listen to music I have to put on headphones which shuts people out and is hard to do things at the same time.
Passion
I am passionate about Jan. I am passionate about women being treated well and respected. I am passionate about close and intimate relationships. I am passionate about doing things well. I am passionate about schedules and structure. I am passionate about people having their food money on time. I am passionate about time efficiency and getting things done to make time and room for relationships and more important things. I am passionate about God. I am passionate about being peaceful. I am passionate about being pain free. I am passionate about having personal space. I am passionate about new music and having music playing in the background while doing things.
I am realizing where my passions lie by seeing what I get frustrated with. I am still in the process of asking God what my response is supposed to be with all of these thing, but this is where I am at. I am learning to see my passions through my anger and I am asking God what to do with them next.
