Why do I do these things? why do I constantly cause myself so much heart break and disappointment? Why can’t I follow things through? Why am I constantly anxious and scared? What is wrong with me God?
I ask questions to come off as innocent when I’m speaking to God, forgetting God knows everything that I’ve done and will do. I ask questions and wait for God to give me an answer I already know, to prolong my confusion and disappointment. I inflict pain on myself for wanting to change but doing everything in my power to not follow it though. This has a name, it’s called “procrastination”.
Procrastination causes me so much anxiety BUT it also allows me to prolong my mishaps another day. It prevents me from looking ahead and changing because I know once that day comes I’ll put it off for another day and another day until finally that day has passed and I’m stuck wondering “if only”. If only I had trust God when he said “Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is for life? You are mist that appears for a little while and vanish” James 4:14. I’m wasting away countless numbers of tomorrow because of laziness and self doubt, even after God has sealed and delivered his plan for me and made it known.
I’ve spiritually crippled myself because I could not let go of control. I know I could not have looked forward to the new day if I’m replaying the same day over and over again tweaking curtain things to make it seem like change just without changing. It’s perpetual comfort that I’ve became so settled in that I was willing to give up the opportunity of a life time, The World Race. A dream, a lifestyle I’ve seen for myself and has spoken countless amount of times to my loved ones and to God I was being sabotaged by the one that could hurt me most, myself. I choose to except this part of myself but I will not let it hinder me.
It feels so good to speak my truth because once I confessed with my mouth God came and intervened. It’s when we stop playing God as a fool and trust that He will do exactly what He said He will do if we stand by His word. It’s so simple but we as human like to overanalyze everything and try to find the hidden message. I can attest to this because I constantly do it.
I don’t know more then God, I can’t predict my future, I can’t stay comfortable because that’s not how My Father created me or any of us. “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go” Joshua 1:9.
