I’m Jean Val Jean!!
No, but really, let’s talk about identity. Most commonly known as how you define yourself, the thing that makes you, you. Coming into a new group of friends one likes to assert who they are, find where they fit in in the group. Are you the funny one? The mom? The dangerous one? Let me tell you, finding my unique identity among a group of 50 new family members isn’t easy. I discovered this at training camp.
At home I know who I am. I’m the sarcastic one, the mean one, the crazy one, the one who is a support for many friends. I’ve established myself in my friend group over a period of time, it takes time to develop friendships and be recognized within them, that’s what I had forgotten. I wanted to come to training camp and have my home identity transfer right over, but that’s not how it works. Do you know what the result of not knowing your identity in a new group is? Feeling like you’re lost in the shadows.
I looked around as people got acknowledged for different things, and found out where they fit within F Squad. They found friend groups, and showed off their talents. And I just remained hidden in the background, going through many days without someone to really talk to and hang out with. And for an extravert, this is hell. I didn’t know who I was. I wasn’t sure where I would fit on this squad or what my role would be. And this is a different experience for me. I got so used to who I was at home, and my friend groups that I forgot just how much I live for the approval of others. No one knows the me from back home, I can’t rely on my reputation here. My skills, talents, defining personality traits, already had someone on the squad who could do them better than me. I struggled with feeling rejected and unloved, because I didn’t stand out, and I felt like because I didn’t have a place, I didn’t have an identity.
I wanted so badly to have an identity here, because an identity helps me feel useful and needed. Without out one why do I even need to be there? Why does the World Race need me if I can’t bring anything unique to the table? Because God called me here, that’s why. And that should be my identity. Being defined by being funny, smart, by my hair, or my talents are worldly things. The Bible doesn’t tell us that they will know us by our humor, or our smile. But by our love, for each other, and for God.
I’m starting to learn that I don’t need to have a worldly identity. I don’t want this race to be about the things of the world. About how adventurous I can be, the pictures I can show off, or the souvenirs I can collect. I want it to be entirely about how I can serve the Lord. I want Him to increase in this and me to decrease. If I want to decrease, it means I have to stop searching for my identity here, to stop trying to stand out. I have to stop trying to find my place here on F squad, and start making my place in heaven.
Decreasing means losing myself. I came here to do the Lord’s work, to be acknowledged by Him, not by man. Maybe I didn’t realize how hard that would be, but the Lord is taking away my comfortable identity to help me become who I truly want to be recognized as, His servant. I want my World Race to teach me how to be comfortable in the shadows so long as I’m bringing Glory to God. I want it to teach me how to live for the approval of God and not of man. I have the opportunity to redefine myself while I’m in this new season of my life, to discover a new identity. And my new identity will be His servant. That’s enough for me.
