Never in my life has this song ever been more applicable. We’re halfway there! The race is halfway over. And prayers are what keep me going. We’ve been on the race now for almost 5 months, we’ve served in two different countries and a few different ministries. We have stories, we’ve done cool stuff. I’ve built great relationships, and I’ve gone through struggles. Fed hungry street children, worked with women in prison, taught in schools, and worked on a farm.
Despite all the things we’ve done, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I wasn’t doing enough. That nothing significant had happened to me yet. That I wasn’t documenting the process well enough, not writing enough blogs, taking enough pictures, or collecting enough stuff. And biggest of all, I felt like God hadn’t been working in me. Satan really got to me. He knew exactly how to destroy my time on the race and make me feel like a failure. He knew that the thing I delighted in the most he could turn around to make me feel guilty about.
A few weeks ago we had squad debrief, a time for us to take a beak from ministry and focus on what the Lord has been doing in each of us. We stayed at a really nice hostel that had wifi. On the world race, wifi is a treat, so I took advantage of it. Every night and morning I was skyping and texting my friends and family. But the more I did it the more guilty I felt. And I didn’t understand why. I actually had a whole week where my only job was to take time to chill and do whatever I wanted and whatever I needed to do to keep me going. But every time I was talking to my friends, I felt like I shouldn’t have been. While everyone else was exploring and spending time with the friends on the squad that they hadn’t seen in a while, I was sitting in my bed Face Timing. The longer I talked to my friends the worse I felt. I felt like I was depending on wifi, like I wasn’t staying present. I ended my conversations with such a heavy heart.
I went to the roof of our Hostel and prayed. I prayed so hard. I cried out to the Lord to remove this heavy heart from me. To take away the unnecessary guilt and shame surrounding me. I reminded myself that there is no condemnation in Christ, that He is my safe resting place. In that moment I was resting in Him, I was putting all my hope and my whole heart into that prayer. I truly was “ living on a prayer”. And the Lord heard my prayer and made my heavy heart light again.
Now, in the second half of my race, I want to continue to live like that. To pray without ceasing. To seek God in everything. Instead of letting something sit in my mind and let Satan take a hold of my thoughts, to bring it to God. To pray boldly. To invite God in to every part of my life.
I’m “halfway there”, and the Lord has given me the renewal I need to continue through the other half. Now, I don’t feel guilt about talking to friends and family, but I feel thankful that I have so many people who love me and want to spend time with me. Now, I don’t feel guilty about not taking enough pictures but I take time to enjoy living in the moment. Now, I don’t feel guilt because I thought the Lord hasn’t been working in my life, but I’ve recognized the great work He has done, and continues to do in me. Now, I don’t feel guilty for not doing enough, but encouraged to do more. Now, I feel free in Christ.
May this next half of my Race be filled with praises to the Lord. And may I learn how to truly “live on a prayer”
” Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” ~ James 5:16
