“Wait, so you’re not going to grad school?”
The answer is no. Not right now. At least, not yet.
In 2010, I had learned about The World Race from a teammate of mine who traveled with me on a missions trip to Venezuela. Her experiences on the race and her tenacity to serve others for Christ in such a way, inspired me to take the plunge and go on this 11 month journey after college.
But to be honest, I became complacent in my faith. The questions of doubt overwhelmed me. Where would I get my support ? How would I pay back my student loans? What if this is not for me? What about my family and friends? I can’t just leave them. What if I … fail? I started to think realistically and knew that I needed to be an adult and find a real job. So, I ended up not following through with the application process. Instead of feeding my fears with God’s truth, I fed them more doubt, more anxiety and more of my own ambitious pursuits.
Last year I made the decision to apply for grad school. At the time I wasn’t certain what I wanted to go back for, I just knew that I needed to go back. After college, I managed to land a few jobs, save up some money, and land a promotion. Still, I didn’t feel as accomplished as I would have been. In the wake of all these new things that I thought were important to have, I was empty. I was missing something.
Purpose. I needed meaning to my daily routine.
So as all desperate – and might I add- broke college students do when they don’t land the perfect job after graduation, I entertained the idea some more. I scrolled through numerous programs online in hopes that I would just casually stumble upon my next career move. Silly me, I made the mistake of requesting information from each school. Open house events and application deadlines flooded my inbox as I tried to navigate through this next phase in my life. Messages from admission advisors filled my voicemail box. I avoided answering outside numbers for fear I was going to get the “sales pitchy” recruiter on the phone.
Using eenie-meenie-miney-mo was an option I considered during this process, but I had to be grown up about this. What would I go back to school for? Do I even want to go back?
I kept thinking about the expense too. Grad school would mean more student loans which would mean more debt, and boy, was I already nose deep, thanks to undergrad. Thoughts bounced back and forth in my head as I tried to consider the pros and cons. I even jotted down my future goals and what I wanted to accomplish.
I thought to myself, I am still young, so I might as well get it done and over with. I guess, that’s not a great motive. Anxiety filled my chest and left me restless as I fought with myself to make the next move.
Then, God started to reveal some things in my own heart. I had to brace myself. I didn’t want to face the truth. In the midst of my battle to choose, I was also facing a spiritual one that contended with the very thing I had been chasing all my life. Affirmation. There, it came out. The main reason I intended on going back to school was because I wanted to feel accomplished again. I wanted to feel like I was intelligent … how I thought everyone perceived me. I was out to regain this identity, that I felt slowly dissipated after college. That’s right ! The girl well attributed with “Miss. Most Likely to Succeed,” was trying desperately to reclaim her title. I knew how to study hard and get the A. So why not go back?
That was just it, though. My identity was wrapped around how well I did in school. In my eyes, my significance was based on how well I scored on a test or if I got an A+ on an assignment. As the truth surfaced, I realized that I was still living in the shadow of the “perfect student.”
I prayed about it. I cried. I even vented to God about my inability to surrender this persona I had lived for so long. Dreadfully, I asked God to reveal his plan for my life. I say dreadfully because I already had an idea that He was calling me out to do something more; something bigger than my own aspirations. I just avoided the answer at all cost. Taking matters into my own hands, I decided I would be the captain of my own voyage. I would take the reins of my own life. So, I sent in my application, paid the $75 dollar application fee, and waiting desperately for a response.
In April 2015, I received my acceptance letter for the Alcohol and Drug Abuse Counseling program. I was excited, nervous, but mostly thrilled at the chance to make something of myself, especially in a field that was very near and dear to my heart. I already started thinking about graduation and how it would feel to have “MA” attached to my name. My decision was confirmed after a discussion with my community pastor who encouraged the possibility of having a counselor on staff.
Perfect! I didn’t have to worry anymore. I found my calling! I was going back to school – no if, ands or buts about it.
However, at the forefront of my mine was The World Race. For some reason, it didn’t go away.
As I am writing this blog now, I can’t help but think how gracious God was to me during this time. I can picture Him, with a smirk on His face as to say,” Oh sweetie, if you only trusted what I have planned for you.”
In the past three years, I have felt stuck. Stuck in old habits, stuck in toxic thinking, stuck in broken relationships, stuck in the past, and stuck on the dreams that I felt would never come true. I felt abandoned and forgotten by God. Did I get off the wrong exit or something or just take a wild detour to a road that led to another dead end?
After a moment of self loathing, I tried to pick up the pieces of what I thought made sense and tried my hardest to arrive at a decision. Grad school or The World Race? I was conflicted again. Anxiety, fear and doubt crept back in, as I felt the tug of war between my desires and God’s desires commence.
It wasn’t until I read a post from a dear friend of mine who joined The World Race that I revisited the possibility of applying again. She told me that my previous posts on Facebook had inspired her to go on this trip. What? I didn’t even go, and those posts were from a while ago. I was actually surprised when she told me that. Although, I was excited for her and this new adventure, I couldn’t help but feel like I had missed my chance to go.
Then, it hit me. What if I can still go? I can do this trip. Can’t I?
I wrestled with God about this for days and when I say wrestled, I literally told God on numerous occasions, ” No, God, this is not for me. Stop hounding me about it!” It didn’t help that I woke up to a beautiful portrait of the world hanging on my wall. Books, countless sermons and songs kept retracing my steps back to The World Race. In one of the books I read this year, author Mandy Hale in Beautiful Uncertainty said this,
“When He wants you do something, He drives you crazy until you do it. And then when you rise up and meet his plans with your obedience…miracles happen.”
That’s all I needed to read. I was driving myself crazy! I was avoiding God’s plan for my life because of fear. I was afraid of what people might say. I was afraid of losing my job. I was mostly afraid of letting go of who I thought I needed to be. All the while, He was gently calling me to go away with Him. Even in my complaining, my crying and my insistent ” No’s,” to Him, He was still there, nudging me to let go of this idea of grad school and follow Him.
I finally said yes to God, and no to all my uncertainties. What a miracle!
I have decided to go on The World Race and it has been the best decision I have made. God not only put this desire to go, but He restored my passion to bring the restorative love of Christ to those who have been forgotten around the world. In the times that I thought He had left me stranded, God was right there. He didn’t abandon me, He was just asking me to abandon my own way.
I love this verse in Proverbs 16:9,
“The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.”
Our dreams can multiply as we set out to find meaning and value in our lives, but they are so futile in comparison to what God has for us. At the end of my trying, my disobedience, and my failed attempts to control my life, God intervened and placed my feet on steady ground again. My dreams were good but His plans are far more than I can ever imagine.
I am surrendering my goals, my comforts, and yes, even the “fairytales,” I’ve dreamed about since I was a little girl, all for the sake of following Christ and serving those He loves.
Don’t get me wrong, furthering your education is a tremendous and gratifying feat in one’s life. I have a number of friends that finished grad school and I couldn’t be more proud of the people they have become. However, at this time, grad school…well, it isn’t for me.
Missions has been on my heart since I first stepped foot on the impoverished soil of Juarez, Mexico at fourteen. Bringing hope to the hopeless, feeding the hungry, and ministering to people with the love of Christ is my desire.This is what gives me life! Missions is the very heart beat of God and I am so honored that he gave me another shot at this. I can confidently say, this is what I was made to do.
My advice to everyone who is reading this, is to not ignore the still, soft whisper in your heart to take the risk and go. You know what I am talking about. Wherever He is calling you,
Go.
Go.
Do it.
Go, and you’ll be surprised how He shows up.
If you are interested in following my 11 month journey to 11 different countries, please subscribe! I am still raising support and I would love for you all to join my support team as I continue to fundraise.
Blessings xo,
Christa
