It’s been some time since I wrote my last blog, but I wanted to share some things God did over training camp. Some things that I didn’t expect God was going to do, but again, He never ceases to surprise me.
In my last blog, I was very open about how I was struggling choosing this route. When I say struggling, I mean, I was experiencing severe anxiety! I thought I was disobeying God when I made the decision to stay on this route. Nothing anyone said to me assured me that I was in the right place. I had friends, family, co-workers and even some of my squad mates remind me that I made the right decision to stay.
Their words of encouragement and support seemed to bounce right off me, though. I prayed and asked that God would continue to confirm this route for me. I cried out to Him, read the Bible and considered fasting in hopes that I would finally be at peace with my decision.
On October 19th, I went to training camp in Gainesville, Georgia for about a week and a half. After months of messaging each other and chatting on the phone, our squad finally met. I was a little apprehensive at first because I didn’t really know what to expect, but as soon I came up to our site, I was embraced by some of the most incredible people I ever met. Immediately, I knew this was my new family.
Training camp was one of the most spiritually stretching times of my life. We learned about forgiveness, how to deal with our shame, surrendering our desires to God, trusting in His will for our lives, learning how to live in raw community, and how to love like Jesus loves. We slept in tents, seldomly showered ( true story ), ate with our hands, slept in a simulated “airport,” also know as the training center, cooked on a fire in the middle of nowhere, and slept under the stars. We also had sporadic dance sessions and frequently sang together. Let me just say, R Squad’s harmony is tight ! I digress.
Oh, and I forgot to mention- we ate crickets. Yes, crickets. We’ll talk about that another time.
It was incredible to see how people were experiencing breakthroughs in the areas of their life that were painful and deeply wounded. But man, I didn’t see mine. Where was my breakthrough? Here I was, sitting in the front of the room, listening to a man preach about the unconditional love of God and I couldn’t understand why this loving God would allow me to experience such intense anxiety.
I was still wrestling with this notion that maybe I wasn’t supposed to be here. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to get close to any of my squad mates . For four days, I had a burning sensation in my chest. Anxiety is what I’d like to call it. It was hard to worship, pray and even listen to the sermons, because I couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe I was supposed to leave. Maybe this is not where God wanted me.
I spoke to a couple of my teammates about this, some of who already knew about it before training. And instead of telling me to get over my feelings of anxiety and to “just trust God,” my teammates prayed for me. They prayed with me. They gave me words of peace and comfort. They reminded me of the truth of God’s love and that He is well pleased with my decision. A couple of my girls literally clung onto me and told me “We’re just not letting you go, Christa. We love you and this is where you belong.”
Wow! God was this confirmation for me to stay?
That night we did a night watch, where the women of our group prayed and worshipped from 11 pm – 6 am. We sent out teams of 4 to 5 girls each hour to pray for our squad, our leadership, our protection and safety, and our route. Come to find out, more of my teammates had been praying for my decision to stay on this route. I felt so loved and so cared for at that moment. God is this confirmation?
That day, our men were leaving camp to go on a 12 mile hike somewhere in the mountains of Georgia. Yes, 12 miles! Aren’t they awesome ?
We missed them terribly, but it was good to have some time connecting with the women in our squad. Our speaker Renee, spoke about the importance of loving the women on our team. She spoke about how our society has engrained in us that we are not good enough. We are almost programed to compare, envy, and hate on other women. She poured into us on how loved we are by God for who He created us to be and not by the world’s standards.
We prayed for each other, we wiped each other’s tears, and we declared in Jesus name, that we would live our lives for Him. We pledged to get rid of gossip, jealousy and anything that would divide us women, so that we could focus on the mission ahead. We let go of some soul ties; people that we had deep connections with that were distractions from us seeking God fully. We cried, we laughed and we embraced.
In the past couple of nights, I kept reading Joshua 1:9. At the time, I didn’t really know why. I just kept stumbling upon it. That verse reminds us to be strong and courageous in the Lord because he will be with us wherever we go. One morning, as we were huddled together, me and a couple of girls, I had told my squad mate Taylor, that I felt like God wanted me to know that he would be with me wherever I go no matter the route. She took off her necklace and gave it to me. “Here, Christa, I want you to have this.” On her necklace it read ” Joshua 1:9.” Not only was I blown away at how God put Taylor in my life to encourage me with this same verse, I was blown away by her generosity. It was her birthday that day, and she gave me a gift! What ?!
Later that night, my squad joined our mentors and leaders for a night of hot cocoa and chocolate. Side note, for a week we hadn’t any snacks, coffee, or candy, let alone chocolate. Ladies, if you’re reading this, sometimes you just need CHOCOLATE !
We swarmed in there and grabbed as much as we could. We indulged in Mountain Swiss Hot Cocoa and an assortment of Hershey’s chocolate !
Another side note. I absolutely love chocolate and I love that I get to write about it.
Something incredible happened though, besides the chocolate. That night, we were surrounded by several women who opened up about some of their deepest, darkest moments. They shared some of their sorrows, their flaws, things they wrestled with in their hearts, and they brought them to light. I mean, things that you would never think someone would ever mutter. Why? Because they believed in the restorative power of God and the restorative power He can bring through their testimony. I was deeply saddened by the things they went through, but inspired as they shared how God had been picking up the pieces of their broken hearts.
As we sipped on our hot cocoa, and listened to their testimonies, they asked us to partake in an activity called “ Stand Up For Your Sister.” I did this once in college and loved it.
Each woman in the room was asked to complete a survey, answering “yes” or “no” to a number of very personal questions. They seemed invasive, and that’s because they were. Some of the questions included:
“Have you ever made yourself throw up to lose weight?”
“Have you ever intentionally not eaten or starved yourself to lose weight?”
“Have you ever been physically abused?”
“Have you struggled with pornography or erotic literature?”
“Have you ever used drugs?”
“Have you ever experienced anxiety?” I circled yes three times on that one.
“Have you ever thought about suicide?”
“Have you ever intentionally hurt yourself ( cutting, burning, etc) ?”
Pretty invasive, right? Even though, I did this exercise before and knew the breakthrough that would come out of it, my walls went up.
Why would these girls ever need to know what I struggle with? Why should I tell them? What would they think of me ?
The twist was that after completing the survey, they dispersed the surveys to each woman but without any of our names on them. Phew! I could see the sigh of relief on a number of girl’s faces when they told us that they were anonymous.
We gathered in a large circle , shoulder to shoulder. I could already see the anxiety and confusion in some of their faces.
There, was where God opened my eyes to something he had been trying to get me to see.
As Bella, our mobilizer, read each question aloud, we were asked to step up each time we answered yes to a question. BUT not to our own answers, the answer that was on the paper. It amazed me how many women in the room had been struggling with their weight, were abused, struggling with porn, anxiety, depression, were addicted to drugs and alcohol, and who struggled with suicidal ideations and self-harm.
The next question rocked me to my core.
“ Have you ever been sexually abused?” As some of the women stepped up, I immediately felt a weight in my chest. In those seconds, in those momentary steps, my heart was ready to burst. I was angry, sad, and confused.
It was there that God broke my heart.
God broke my heart for the women in my squad. He whispered gently to me in my spirit,
“Christa, this is where I have you so that you can love on these women, build them up, encourage them, and remind them that no matter what has happened to them, I am their Father. I am their one true Love. Only I can love them like no one else can. Be with them. These are YOUR women. Fight for them. Love on them. Protect them.”
The tears flowed that night. I turned to them and apologized for what they had gone through. I told them to not give up on God because He has an amazing plan for each of them. Writing this gets me emotional, because the enemy ( yeah, Satan) so badly wanted to destroy the lives of these amazing women! He tried to steal their joy, kill them, and dismantle everything God had chosen them to be, but guess what?
His plans failed.
He has no victory over any of them. Why? Because they are precious daughters of the King of Kings, and Lord of Lords! They are gems, lavished by the love of the Father. It was there, I realized, I was in a room of warriors. Women of strength, courage, depth, love, and captivating BEAUTY. As God broke my heart for these women, He had confirmed that this was my route.
Two days later, God spoke to several of my teammates that I was exactly where he wanted me to be. The anxiety about my route left! Peace crashed over me like a tidal wave. It was more than I could ever imagine !
I can be stubborn and doubtful at times, but even in this, God had the pleasure of confirming this route to me time and time again. He did it in a way that was so gentle and so real. He gave me a heart to serve alongside women who have been abused, broken, damaged and forgotten.
So part of my mission is to not only bring hope to women in the countries we visit, but to love and serve the women in my squad. God broke my heart for what breaks His. I can’t answer why He allowed us to go through pain, to be hurt, or to go through struggles but I can rest in knowing that He has overcome the world like He said in John 16:33. That all things work for our good, Romans 8:28 ( favorite verse ), and that He deeply cares for us ,1 Peter 5:7.
If any woman is reading this blog, I want to encourage you with this,
YOU ARE NOT YOUR PAST. YOU ARE NOT YOUR HURT. YOU ARE NOT THE NEGATIVE THINGS PEOPLE SAY YOU ARE. YOU ARE LOVED. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE EXQUISITE. THERE COULD NEVER BE ANOTHER YOU. YOU HAVE MEANING. YOU HAVE PURPOSE. GOD IS COMPLETELY IN LOVE WITH YOU.
Whoever deeply wounded you, find it in your heart to forgive them. I know forgiveness is a hard concept to grasp because sometimes the cut is too deep. Someone once told me that unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Set them free, not because of what they did, but because you need to be set free. Ask God to show you how to forgive. He’s great at it ! Most importantly forgive yourself. He doesn’t want you to live in dread of what you’ve done or what you’ve endured. Give it to him. Surrender it. He wants in ! And when I say He wants in, He wants ALL IN.
I love this verse in Isaiah 43:25, ” I, I am he who blots our your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins.” He doesn’t remember them anymore so why are you holding on to it? Why are you condemning yourself when he doesn’t? Why are you putting the shackle back on when the chain has already been broken? Ladies, and men if you’re reading this, leave it at His feet. He can take it. You can’t. It wasn’t meant for you to bear. He knew that we couldn’t when He created us.
That’s why Jesus said “ Come to me all who are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” ( Matthew 11:28-30 ). He wants to exchange your burdens for His peace. Jesus is a gentleman. He will not force himself on you. I’ve mentioned this before in my earlier blogs. He wants to usher you into relationship with Him.
My girls are a force to be reckon with against the enemy’s attacks and lies. Man, these women are more than just beautiful faces and big hearts. They are conquerors! I am honored and so grateful for each of them and I can’t wait to see what He has planned for us all.
I have under 60 days left before I leave on The World Race. I am at $9,338 ! If you feel led to, please subscribe to my blogs and follow what the Lord is going to do over the course of this 11 month journey. Please feel free to support and pray for me and my squad as well. Seriously, prayers are desperately needed!
Thank you to all who have supported already !
XOXO
CHRISTA
