“ For your steadfast love is great to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds,” Psalm 57:10
“Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you.” Psalm 63:3
“For he satisfies the longing soul…” Psalm 107:9
It’s very clear I love the Psalms. King David expressed an array of emotions from great joy to despair, from expressing feelings of confusion to anger, sorrow and depression. What I love the most though, was that David was always in awe of God. Even in the most painful times of his life, He always had a reverence for God. This “man after God’s own heart” experienced some of the worst of times and the best of times, but still continued his gaze on the Lord. That’s incredible!
This month, I’ve been in awe of Jesus. I mean, completely smitten by him! From walking through the maze of alleyways and streets here, to taking rides on wooden canoes with some of the locals, to seeing a little baby snuggled in his mother’s arms, or seeing little girls locking arms laughing on their way to school. God has captivated my heart here in Madagascar. Did I mention, the landscape is breathtaking!
Here is where I get real. I felt like God wanted me to share this part of my life. So here it goes…
For several years now, I was struggling with my singleness.
Yup, I said it.
SINGLENESS.
Now, I’m not going to be talking about how singleness is a gift (even though it is) or how God can use your singleness for good (even though he can). I want to just tell you that singleness… is not always easy. For some of you it’s great and you couldn’t be happier. That’s wonderful! But that just hasn’t been the case for me.
Since I was a little girl, I’ve always wanted to get married. I always wanted the pretty white dress, the prince charming waiting at the end of the aisle, and the overflowing joy that comes with getting married. Yes, I longed to be romanced and loved like the women in the Nicolas Sparks books. It didn’t help that I grew up watching all the Disney princess movies and longed to be the one who received the glass slipper.
Sidenote: Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie!
I desired to be desired. DESIRED FULLY. I wanted someone to want me just for me.
Someone who wasn’t going to leave when things got too difficult.
Someone who was willing to love my flaws.
Someone who wanted to know me.
Someone who liked me.
Someone who would fight for me.
Someone who would pursue me.
Anyways, you get the picture.
But I haven’t found this someone. So for years I wondered if it would ever come true for me;
Love.
Marriage.
A Husband.
A Family.
I know, I know, some of you married couples out there are saying “it’s not all that it’s cracked up to be,” or maybe “Girl, you have time, you’re still young.” My favorite is “ God has someone so special for you out there, you just have to wait on his timing.” Yes, I’ve heard a plethora of responses but they’ve just been band aids over a wound.
It still hurts.
It’s still not easy.
It hurts to see yourself still at square 1, wondering when “Mr. Right” will come.
It’s frustrating when you’re still treating yourself to a dinner and a movie other than your significant other (by the way, there isn’t anything wrong with that).
It’s exhausting counting the endless amount of wedding invitations and save the dates blatantly staring at you from your refrigerator door.
Better yet, watching countless relationship statuses change from “single,” to “engaged.”
What’s worst is planning the wedding of your dreams on Pinterest and realizing those dreams may never come true.
This is not to say I am not happy for those who are getting married. PLEASE HEAR ME OUT. This is your time and it’s a blessing to be in love! But I need to be honest with you all. I have dreaded singleness because I always felt like I wasn’t enough. I never felt enough to be wanted or loved by someone. All my life, I’ve strived to be better because I wanted to be loved. Mistakes I’ve made have caused me to feel so flawed and seemingly unlovable.
I say all this because this is what I was struggling with coming on the race. The World Race asks you to be single for a year to focus on the mission ahead.
Makes sense.
I couldn’t help but think “Lord, another year of being single?” My eyes welled up with tears because my hope in meeting that someone turned dim.
That’s when I heard God speak to my heart. He whispered to me that he wanted to take me on an adventure. He wanted to take me outside of my comforts, away from the noise, away from the American dream, away from my own way to woo my heart.
He spoke to my heart saying “Christa, watch what I will do on this race. If you just say yes.” In the moment, I responded by saying yes to this journey. Yes, to a year with me and Jesus. Yes, to what he has for me. Yes, to giving up my dreams for the ones he has already planned for me. Yes, to him and his love.
For the longest time, I attached shame to the way I felt about desiring a husband. I thought I had idolized the idea of marriage. This year I asked God if I was idolizing this again.
So he led me to 1 Samuel chapter 1. It’s about the story of Hannah and how she longed for a child. Hannah had a husband. She was married. She and her husband both served God.
BUT she couldn’t bear children. In those times, having children was gravely important.
In the story, Hannah cries out to the Lord pleading that he would give her a child. It actually says that this caused her great anxiety (1 Samuel 1:16).
Year after year she waited.
And waited…
And waited some more.
And every year she remained barren.
Until one day, the Lord grants her petition. This next verse resonates with me.
“… and the Lord remembered her. And in due time Hannah conceived and bore a son, and she called his name Samuel, for she said, “I have asked for him from the LORD.” (1 Samuel 1: 19-20)
The Lord remembered her. As she promised, Hannah gave her son in the care of the priest Elijah to serve the Lord in the temple. Later, in the story God blesses her with five children! In that moment, I realized God had been reminding me that my desire was strong like Hannah’s. In my heart, he responded by saying “Christa, just as I have remembered Hannah, I will remember you.”
For so long, I’ve felt like God had forgotten me. But he hasn’t. God has taken me on a journey, a wild romance (if you will) where I can place a finger on the moments and times he has been pursuing my heart. Just walking through the rice fields here and seeing the beautiful flowers that adorn them, and seeing the mountains and colorful houses as Madagascar’s incredible backdrop, makes me feel like I’m in a romance movie. Every day, I find God speaking to my heart that he hasn’t forgotten me. Even in a sunset, God paints a cotton candy sky… just for me. Seeing a baby kissing his mommy, reminds me of how precious God’s love is. From visiting orphans in a home where they are treated like family, God reminds me that he hasn’t left me as an orphan, but that I am his child. He hasn’t forgotten me. Instead, he embraces me. He remembers me.
I read a quote from the book “Captivating,” by John and Stasi Eldredge the authors write about how God created women for love and to feel desired. They write,
“Every song you love, every memory you cherish, every moment that has moved you to holy tears has been given to you from the One who has been pursuing you from your first breath in order to win your heart. God’s version of flowers and chocolates and candlelight dinners comes in the form of sunsets and falling stars, moonlight on lakes and cricket symphonies; warm wind, swaying trees, lush gardens and fierce devotion.”
This is how God has been romancing my heart. As I’ve met with the Lord in my quiet time, he has affirmed his love for me. Every day he tells me he loves me. He tells me I am his bride. He reassures me that I am enough every day. I don’t have to try to gain his trust or earn his love. He just loves me.
This whole time I had someone. His name is Jesus.
He isn’t going to leave when things get too difficult.
He is willing to love my flaws.
He wants to know me.
He likes me.
He fights for me.
He pursues me.
This year is about me and Jesus. It’s about how he wants to romance my heart all over again. For those of you struggling with your singleness, I want to encourage you by telling you the opposite of what everyone has been telling you.
It’s ok to not want to be single. Humans long for relationship. That’s just the way we were created.
It’s ok to desire marriage and to long for a wife or a husband (as long as it doesn’t taken precedence over your relationship with God). God already knows those desires and he is not mad at you for having them.
YOU WILL HAVE MOMENTS WHERE YOU WILL STILL HATE BEING SINGLE – trust me. But that’s ok. Invite Jesus into that. He knows what it was like (He was a single guy too).
God has been filling my heart with so much joy and love that it feels like it’s going to explode.
For myself, I know God has him out there. God has been confirming in little ways that he is preparing my husband for me.
BUT, if God decides to keep me single for his good purposes than I’m ok with that. (Wow, I can finally say that). I’m ok if he doesn’t fulfill this longing in my heart. Why?
Because he is still God and he is still GOOD. Oh, man he is so good! He knows me better than I know myself. He knows what is best for me and I can trust that he will come through for my good.
I don’t know if marriage is for your future so I can’t say “Don’t worry, your perfect someone is coming.” I don’t know that. I wish I could tell you. What I do know is that if you let God into those places of loneliness he will be there to fill it. Man cannot satisfy the human heart. Our hearts were not built for that. God created us to long and desire him. He ultimately can satisfy us. Let him in and let him be the one to love you.
I love this journey and I can’t wait for what he has next for me.
“Behold, you are beautiful, my love; behold, you are beautiful; your eyes are doves.”
-Song of Solomon 2:15
