I had an entirely different blog post in mind, but reality kind of set in for me, yesterday. Come this September, I will have only four months left before I leave on the World Race.
I also received some disappointing news. My leave of absence from work was denied. Translation: I will not have a job to come back to after the race.
My first reaction was to start crying ( yes, I’m super emotional if you couldn’t tell from my last blog). The second reaction was to try to negotiate with them. Third, to keep the crocodile tears flowing in hopes they would see my desperation for the approval ( that probably wouldn’t have worked anyhow because I’m not that great of an actress). With a whole slew of emotions flooding at once, I responded to the denial with a simple “ok.” My director asked if I would reconsider the trip since I wouldn’t have a job to return to. In that moment, I could have chosen to rethink my decision. In that moment, I could have responded with tears and whimpering, but it was in that moment God gave me the confidence to resist the temptation to say “yes, i’ll think about it some more.”
To my surprise, I answered, ” I am still doing this trip. I’ve already started to raise support. This is what I am supposed to do right now.” Have you ever said something out loud but you hear it come out in slow motion ? That’s what happened here. I was even taken back by how blatantly honest I was with her. The blank stare I received from her was all but for a couple of seconds, but seemed like minutes. Shortly after, she apologized for the decision but congratulated me for my efforts to continue with this trip.
I didn’t want a congratulations! I wanted the approval box checked off with her signature! Talk about feeling entitled. I earned it !
I couldn’t tell you what she said after that, because I was still trying to figure out why they would deny it. For a moment there, I took it quite personally and I was shaken up a bit. After handing me this paper that I now wanted to see lit on fire ( ok maybe shredded into a trillion pieces), I walked back to my desk still thinking, hoping, PRAYING, they would call me back in and the decision would be revoked.
You see, I knew there was going to be some things that I wouldn’t come back to. Time and time again I was reassured by my supervisor and even my co-workers that the leave would be approved so I didn’t really worry about it too much. I even asked people to pray that it would go through. However, my job is one of those things. I knew in my heart that this trip was going to shake my reality up a bit but I didn’t expect it to start so soon.
And as all humans do when they are tried, tested and left wondering, we look up to the sky or get on our knees and begin to question God’s faithfulness. Really God? My job ?
My plan to return to work after the race disintegrated before my eyes. Again, God revealed something about my heart. I was still trying to plan and control my future ! I was still putting my hope in the finite things of life, like a job, people, and even my performance. Now looking at it, I was being selfish. I was already looking forward to coming back to work and totally dismissed what God is capable of doing throughout the duration of the trip ! Wow.
Then the following questions settled in.
“Christa, you have followed Christ for as long as you can remember, but do you really trust him as you say you do? What have you truly given up for Him?” Talk about a reality check.
For years I have spoken so boldly about my faith ( I was well associated with ” the good church girl” term). I remember speaking to people in some of their deepest and darkest points in their lives while reminding them that God is faithful to those He loves ; you can trust Him with anything.
Now I had to put my money where my mouth is, sort of speak. Up until this point in my life, I can honestly say that I have not had to sacrifice much for the sake of following Christ. Maybe a couple of friendships, but nothing like a job, schooling or even some of my ambitions. Nothing to this magnitude at least. God has always provided for me and I have seen his hand in much of the successes that I’ve had. It’s now that he is asking me to apply what I believe to be true; That he is going to provide. That he is trustworthy, and that he will be with me every step of the way. As I mentioned in my last blog, God has asked me to give up my dreams and plans to come follow him wholeheartedly. My plan on coming back and resuming to my regular work schedule is no longer an option.
Friends, it’s getting so real right now. The tears are strolling down my face as I type. I’ve been clinging onto my job, my reputation, my good deeds, my performance, my hopes and my desires so tightly, that I forgot to include God. Gently and patiently is God prying open each finger one by one.
Can I be honest ? It hurts.
But, it’s still good.
I was reminded of a story in the Bible, when Jesus is washing his disciples feet. If you can imagine the scene ; God incarnate lays aside his outer garments and takes a towel and begins to wash these tired, bruised, calloused ( probably even stinky ) feet. Peter, one of the twelve, responds by offering to switch places with Jesus, because he doesn’t understand why he would even want to wash his feet. Jesus answers him by saying, “What I am doing you do not understand now but afterward you will understand” ( John 13:7). Now I am not going to get into theoretics and how this verse applies in its context (I apologize ) but, man, this verse has been speaking life over me.
The disciples didn’t realize that they would have no share with Him if he did not wash them first. Later on, the disciples were appalled at Jesus, when he predicts his own death shortly before being betrayed. They didn’t understand what he was doing. I mean, would you? Jesus was getting ready to die for the sins of all mankind and if he didn’t, there would be no hope. We would be stuck in our own mire, separated from a God who is utterly and completely in love with us. That would have broken his heart.
What God is doing, right now, in my life I don’t understand. It may not make sense but it will. I don’t need to know what is happening right now or in the next year because He knows already and well … that’s good enough.
God is not taking this job away because he does not love me or because he is punishing me. He knows the plans he has for me to give me A FUTURE AND A HOPE, not for evil ( Jeremiah 29:11). He has promised that he would provide all of my needs according to His riches ( Philippians 4:19). He is capable of doing more than I could even imagine for myself ( Ephesians 3:20).
IF GOD DOES NOT INTERVENE IN OUR LIVES, if He doesn’t wreck our plans, we will not progress. We will stay stuck in the same routine, the same way of thinking, in the same rut. We will not be able to walk in the steps He’s already laid out for us. We won’t be obedient. We won’t be fulfilled. We won’t know Him deeper. And let me tell you, that would break His heart.
As much as I am bummed about the denial, I have peace. I have so much peace, that as soon as I came home from work ( after putting a load in the wash ) I purchased the backpack I’ll be carrying for 11 months, my sleeping bag and my cool, comfy thermarest pillow ! I couldn’t be more happier.
In one of the books, I am currently reading called ” I Don’t Wait Anymore,” Author Grace Thornton beautifully translates the process of letting go of the expectations we have for our lives, and how to pursue God more than our ambitions. She invites her readers to know God and to love him more passionately than the ideas and plans we have for ourselves because HE ALONE is our ultimate reward.
“All bets are off as to what HE will do when we give him everything in order to know His presence in our lives. And something changes in our hearts too. We don’t see our journey like a wasteland anymore. We see it as Plan A. Every step has purpose, because we’re headed toward Him. And that strips away the weight we feel to figure out what or why and replaces it with peace and freedom. We start to look forward with joy – not because we’re waiting on something earthly, but because we know what God has around the bend for us is more of Himself. It only gets better.”
I am taking a leave from everything here that I cling onto for hope and reassurance, so that he can fill every deep, empty crevice and make me whole. I am leaving it behind and pursuing Him. This will be an incredible adventure and I am looking forward to how God is going to show off. You know he has to, guys. In the next 11 months, I will have a new job.
It won’t be from 8:30 to 4:30, but probably throughout different hours of the day.
It won’t be in an office, but outside in a desert or a jungle.
I won’t get a paycheck, but the reward will be so much more than I could ever earn.
I will be working in the most remote places of the world.
I will be loving on widows and orphans.
I will pick up different languages while I’m out there.
Most, importantly l have the opportunity to give hope to the forgotten.
I am thankful for the opportunity that I had working at the agency. I do not regret my time there. I had a great unit and I will miss working with them next year. Now, is my time to say goodbye.
He has placed a path in front of me that seems marked with uncertainty…
But I will trust him.
I am still raising support and I am almost at my first goal of 5,000 !
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Blessings xoxo
Christa
