I knew this wouldn’t be easy. I knew this would be exhausting, draining, and stretch me in areas where I have become stiff and complacent. I knew all of this and yet I still was not prepared for where I stand.
Balancing preparations for the future with living in the present has been tedious work. I’ll be honest, there has been way more on my plate than I can handle between the 14 hour work days, meeting deadlines for work, fundraising, getting in shape (body, mind, AND soul), and somehow trying to find the time to learn Spanish. Then there’s the fear. The fear of failing, the feeling of letting down my students, my co-workers, my teammates, my friends, my family, and worst of all those who have taken the leap of faith to support my fundraising. The fear generates endless questions: What if I don’t raise the money? What if I’m not strong enough? What if I don’t have the endurance? What if my prayer life just sucks too much? What if I’m terrible at this? What if I’m not as tough as I would like to think that I am?
And yet here I am, moving slowly but surely toward my fundraising goals, somehow paying my bills, and not feeling nearly as burnt out as I probably should be. For all of those questions there is an answer, “I am with you.”
I AM is with me. This process has given me an opportunity to experience yet again true dependence on the Lord’s good favor. Every time I come to Him and ask, “If you want me to go then where is the money?” another donation comes in. I have watched a beautiful rally of supporters come to my aid and help me pursue God. There have been so many Simon of Cyrenes that have come to help me carry this cross and I am unspeakably grateful. This has truly been a testament to the necessity of the Body of Christ. I cannot function as an independent organ free from the contributions of the other body systems and expect to make it. I need the Body to succeed. I have been humbled and challenged to ask for help in ways I never thought I could bring myself to.
The road ahead is long and I have no concept of how far I’m walking, if there will be hills to climb, or what wild animals might attack me as I plod my weary body through the dust. But I am walking towards Him. I am living a full, beautiful (arduous) life. I am praying more than I ever have. And I am trusting that His goodness will take me where His kingdom needs me.
Our Lady of Lujan, pray for us.
