You know, it’s funny how God moves. A man’s character is truly tested when things begin to go against his plans and desires. You find out real fast what a man is full of when things get shaken up unexpectedly. Turns out I’m full of a lot of skubalon (which is Greek for poop). I admit that’s a little excessive, but my point is that I’m full of a lot of selfishness and pride, which is no better than poop.
I promised a blog post that highlights all that I’ve learned from the book “Spiritual Slavery to Spiritual Sonship” by Jack Frost. My orphan-mindset runs deeper than I could have ever thought. God has shown me how I’ve been so keen about making myself known and manipulating how others view me so as to appear more mature and collected than I really am. I haven’t properly submitted to authority and gotten underneath their mission to support them and encourage them. For so long it’s been about how I can further my own reputation, even if it comes at others expense. I haven’t given credit where credit is due. I haven’t deflected praise as I should. And I have been holding on to things far too tightly than I should, instead of holding them loosely. All good gifts come from above (James 1:17), and God has the power and the right to give and to take away however and whenever He pleases (Job 1:21). This is indeed a new chapter and depth to embracing my brokenness and allowing it to swiftly move me closer and closer to Jesus as I realize more and more of my desperate NEED for Him.
“The more I closed my heart, the harder I worked, because now I felt that I had to earn my way back into his graces through hyper-religious activity. But the harder I labored, the more deeply into orphan thinking I sank. It began to consume me every waking moment. I no longer valued the unheralded aspects of ministry but hungered to be seen and heard and to have greater authority” (Frost).
This short passage from the book describes me pretty accurately, I’m ashamed to admit. Most of this sources from the life I lived before coming on the race, during my college years. I worked at a church, led weekly Bible studies, was a leader in multiple ministries, yet all the while I was advancing the name of Chris White more than the name of Jesus Christ through my thoughts and actions. What’s so scary about this is that I didn’t realize I was doing it until now. I lived in almost constant bitterness and resentment toward several authority figures in my life at the time. I recognized that things were not kosher with them, so I worked harder and harder so I could please them and receive their praise and admiration, but when they realized that my actions weren’t genuine they didn’t respond in the way I wanted them to. This only led to more bitterness and resentment, and the vicious cycle only continued. I was overwhelmingly busy in working tirelessly for their approval and was moving further and further away from the comfort of the Father’s love. I began to live a works-based version of my salvation, and a works-based way of getting closer to the Lord. Turns out, it’s possible that as you work harder and harder to earn God’s approval, the more you actually move away from the comfort and blissful simplicity of His love. And it’s not Him who is moving, it’s me. I’m the one moving myself away from the security of Father’s love and admiration for me by trying so viciously to earn it.
“It really gave me ‘warm fuzzies’ for people to whom I ministered to agree with me and think I was anointed and wise! But it also demonstrated my immaturity and my need for the praise and agreement of man” (Frost).
“Even though I had integrity and thought that I was being totally loyal, it was such an easy thing to unknowingly draw people’s hearts to myself. This held me back from maturity, promotion, and favor with God and man. In the church, I unconsciously caused tension and division in the spiritual realm because of my lack of maturity and my need to feel accepted and liked” (Frost).
More quotes from the book that so aptly describe me.
Here is a short passage that reveals the place that God desires for us to be.
“Our competitive culture tends to define rest as a place of idleness or being unproductive. But the biblical rest found in sonship is not a place without activity or fruitfulness. Rest is a posture of the heart of sonship that feels so sheltered in Father’s love that it does not allow itself to be pulled into a place where we strive to feel valued, affirmed, or secure. Abiding in rest is the place where all people will be drawn to us because everyone is searching for rest” (Frost).
This true posture of the heart of sonship is where I want to be. No more striving, no more trying to live life victoriously, but living life from the victory we have in Jesus, and standing steadfast in the security of Father’s love.
In terms of how God gives and takes away, I’m learning to trust and praise him no matter the circumstance or situation. This is a fresher revelation, and I’m still processing through it. All I know is this, God is worthy of all my praise and more, and his plans are good, and are for my good. Even when I perceive a situation as bad, I know that the Lord is moving in ways often unseen to bring about far more good than bad from it. Love deeply, hold loosely.
