I was up late with a couple of my squad mates a few weeks back. I was into a deep discussion about my life when all of a sudden they started laughing at me. I was questioning whether or not my testimony was a joke, but they noticed something unusual that I happened to do too frequently. Anything I spoke that had to deal with time, I would get distracted by looking down at my watch, pausing for a few moments, then returning to my story. Doesn’t seem like much, right? But it hit me then and there, and the lightbulb came on. Without warning, admist the in-depthness of my story with my beloved squadmates….I proceeded to hurl my watch into the valley we were overlooking. I sat there completely content with myself, knowing I had done the right thing, although my friends had a tremendous look of confusion on their face.
But what did it mean? Why throw a watch, simply because of some joke? No, I threw it because it made me realize something bigger. I looked at the watch not just because I was relating to time. I looked down because I was SCARED. I was distracting myself, making an excuse, diverting myself away from my loved ones. It sounds a little farfetched, but I made this nasty habit of looking at my watch because I couldn’t stand to look at the faces of my teammates and tell them my testimony. I couldn’t bring the fullness of myself to the conversation because I made myself think that I’m too broken, tired, hurt, and lonely and that telling my story would only hurt me deeper and people would judge me for who I am and what I’ve done. And not only that, but I did the same stupid habits with God. When He calls me to do something, to pray over a sick man, read His word, play with his children, I make that same suttle excuse. I tell myself I’m too tired, I don’t want to get attached for fear of heartbreak, and that overall I’m not good enough and fit for God. But the TRUTH is that these are all LIES. Yesterday I sat there while my entire team prayed over me, telling me that I AM a man of God, that I AM good enough, that I CAN do all thing through Him. They gave me so much powerful feedback I couldn’t help but weep. I have never felt so good, so wanted, so loved! And just to think, how many times I stopped to look at my watch, hesitated to pray over a person, tell myself in my head time after time again how unworthy I am, BUT it was only a waste of time itself because I CAN do anything through Christ. There is a reason God had put me on this team, on this mission trip, to be with these people.
This last week here in Malaybalay I put this to the test. I prayed over and over again, “God, break me. Break me of these habits, this shying away, this feeling of not being good enough. I want to do whatever you ask of me.” So I continued my work, and as the last few nights came by, just as we had a banquet for the staff, I was tucking in one of the kids. “Kuya”, he said (which means older brother), “I love you kuya”. This child has a cleft palet, making it very hard for him to talk. Most of the time I could not understand what he was saying, and he’s usually bouncing off the walls with energy which made things even harder. But he was looking straight at me, focused, with such warm, clear words that dug deep into me, and said, “I love you kuya”. I almost lost myself there, but I wasn’t convinced. Yesterday I prayed about it some more, continuing my work, and I stopped up at the orphanage once again to play with the children. I was playing with one, jumping around, making a fool of myslef when eventually we were both so tired, we fell asleep. I took him to his room, and as I tried to lay him down on his bed, but he would not let go. So I tried laying down, singing him songs so he would eventually let go so I could get up and leave (once again only to leave with fear of attachment and heartbreak). But as soon as I was ready to leave, another crawled into the bed, only to fall asleep as well. At this point I was trying to give myself every excuse I could think of to get out of the bed, while another kid finally leaped in as well and fell asleep. Once again, with the lightbulb, it was so clear that God had put these children in my arms, answering my prayers of actual self-worth and breaking this curse of not being good enough.
So now as I sit in the Malaybalay airport, getting ready to leave to Manila, and then in a few days to switch countries to Cambodia, I feel ready. Ready to to love each and every child I meet with no regrets, no setbacks, no distractions. I’m ready to talk to and love my teammates and fellow members of my sqaud not in pride, but with self-confidence, and fear dissolving in the background. I’m ready to fully give myself to God without the slightest bit of separation, depending on him fully. Today I stand true to myself, starting to feel the change of what was once a boy, now turning into a man.
1 Corinthians 13:11 – “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.”
Romans 8:38-39 – “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ in Jesus our Lord.”
