This month I’ve gotten just a little taste of what it truly means to be a disciple. Being in Kuala Lumpur, I’ve been going to refugee camps, preaching the gospel, helping out with worship, teaching English, playing games, going to orphanages, and helping out with the restaurant ministry from which on top where we live. We’ve been here almost three weeks, diving into ministry with kids, ministering to the broken, to ourselves. We as men this month (from our MANistry) got to be a part of something special: a community of men that truly fight for each other, push each other, and grow spiritually with each other. On top of all this, I spent four days in the Malaysian jungle, only being able to describe it with one word: paradise.
God gave me something a little more though (He always does). He opened my eyes to something new, something unheard of from back home, something that we as people find hard to do. That thing is sacrifice. When I thought about sacrifice back at home, I thought of giving up something that’s pretty close to you. Problem is, I never knew what that looked like. I’ve never had the chance to experience what it truly means to sacrifice before this trip. Until now.
I took a good look at myself this past week. I’ve given up everything for this trip. I dropped school back at home. I left the comfort of my friends and family behind. I left job opportunities. I left my life from within Minnesota (and partially South Dakota). And here I continue to give up myself. I give up myself to my team, my ministry, and my relationship with God.
But there’s always one thing holding me back. As I look at this deadline of getting my money in, my mind loves to run to one place that has been a home for hell to open up to: fear. I fear that my calling here on this trip is going to be run short. And I get to ask myself one good question.
“Have you sacrificed everything for your calling?”
Immediately I say yes, but I take a closer look.
“Have you sacrificed EVERYTHING for your calling?”
The one thing, the voice of conviction, was screaming in the back of my head and I get that one word. Everything. Once I had it, I knew straight away what I was holding back.
In my possession, I own a PDP drumkit. I have poured literally thousands of dollars into this drumkit. This is what I knew. All my life, I have drummed and played furiously. I’ve had this kit for over five years now, and it has never let me down. It was my passion, my life. But that was it.
“It was my life”.
I made it into an idol. I was placing it higher than Christ in my life, unwilling to change, unwilling to give it up. At first of course, I wrestled with it. I fought, yelled, and was stubborn. But I read into Luke for a while, and to read 14:33, “any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple” and it overwhelmed me with so much conviction. The twelve disciples gave up their families, their jobs, their lives, EVERYTHING. How can I hold back on such a thing? How could I be such a hypocrite?
So now, as of today, I’m placing not only my drumkit for sale, but my electric guitar as well. And as crazy as it sounds, I’m perfectly content with it. Why? It’s because God has such greater things for me. The cost: my life. The rewards: eternal life in heaven (and a few tools here on earth for the time being). In the end, the rewards outweigh the cost an infinite amount. As I think about it, I could not live with the fact that I might be sent home because I didn’t give everything up. That I missed the opportunity to minister to the sick and weary because I selfishly held onto what I thought was mine. It’s all in God’s hands.
I think, and I joke about it now, but I pray more for the hearts of my family and friends, because they are more upset over it than I!
