I’ve hit the foreign grounds of Malaysia. I’m at the footsteps of the country that will prosecute you for doing what God called us to do. I’ve entered the red zone, keeping close watch of my words, my work, and my teammates to keep us safe and secure. I do my ministry with joy, gladness, and with cool head of what I need to be doing. But there’s something beneath the surface. Something that I don’t realize that’s killing me.
I’m drowning.
I begin to slip behind, fall behind the pack. I slowly start to watch my heart to into heartache. This is not the same as the change God has been putting in my heart. This is different. It’s the same sinful fragrance that keeps me at bay. The same stench that can’t be smelt from miles away.I’m living in FEAR.
But why? Why would I put through myself through this mindless insanity that keeps me trapped, suffocating me through the midst of a black abyss, slowly drawing me closer and closer in to a pit of quick-sand. This is beyond brokeness, and beyond simple doubt. This pain that seeping into my heart is unknown, an attack from the enemy, to try and dampen my relationship with God.
But where is this fear coming from?I couldn’t just wait. I had to find out the bottom of it. Where was this rat in my life, chewing holes in me? Where was the root of the sin in my life, causing all this fear? I have worked on so much of what God is allowing me to do, and giving me as spiritual gifts. At first it was overwhelming, but I take now in full stride. I was questioning my motives going on this race, but it seems like this was not “By Chance“, but more destiny of what God has for me. I do not dare put blame my teammates, for they have only showed my love, and for them I love in return. But I could not put my finger on it. If it’s not what God has given me, not my path I’m on, or who I’m with, what could it be?
I recently took a little stroll into my support count, and I found the answer. I found out how the devil was trying to get at my heart. I looked at my support account, and I currently have $5715 in my account. This sounds nice, but I have to make my $10,000 mark by December 15th.
I am SO far behind.So this is my prayer, my cry. I need to have $4285 in roughly 25 days in order to continue this journey. I pray that through this next month, these 25 days, that people will turn their hearts to see something amazing change in them. To see their eyes turned towards God, to see what’s happening.I pray the work that my team and I do does not go in vain, nor will it stop.
I pray that people will open their ears to hear the cries of our brothers and sisters. The poor, the hungry, the children who have no mothers or fathers, the prositutes that waste their lives away giving men their need of sin, the village people who hunger and thirst for the word of God. I hope they hear the voices of the refugees who are in fear of their lives for the cross they carry, the voices of cities that demand poverty, filth, and hopelessness. I hope they hear these things not to convict, but just for a split second to hear one simple cry:
Help.When I was in Siem Reap, I stood outside, talking about God with took took drivers and prostitutes. Then I saw this little girl. This wonderful, beautiful girl. She has done nothing to serve her wrong, but she had been put into a place where she is forced to beg for money, just to get by. This girl was in the streets of sin, living to beg, and it was 1:30 in the morning. Furious? Yes. What did I do? I tried to show that girl that there can be hope. There is love, that we have a desperately loving father. I stayed up with her till who knows when, dancing with her, talking with her, loving her like my own child. Before she left, she came to me with open arms, hugged me and whispered one thing before she left.I Love You.
She left that night to go sleep on the streets with a baby brother and a drunken mother. God, I pray for her saftey. I pray in Jesus name that one day this little girl can come to know you God. I pray that she will forever be blessed, loved, and captivated by those who surround her by her amazing faith. I pray that I can continue this work, because if anything, I pray that I can leave them with one thing.
Hope.
