Update: I’m currently in Phuket, Thailand. I’m working with a ministry called SHE that deals with the prostitutes of the area, trying to change their lives and build something new in them. I’ve reached my $10,000 dollar mark (thank you to a very special couple of people), and it seems as things are lookin’ on the up and up.
God gave me a very special couple of instructions for the month. It’s been such a blessing and an honor to be given these things, and now that I look at now, after a couple weeks of being here, it’s a lot easier to say that I’m so grateful to have gone through what I’ve done. The road wasn’t easy, and it never is. What was going on? He left me with these few things: I am to be interceding and having one on ones with as many people as I can. I thought, “Okay, that’s easy enough”. But then came the other half of the list. God, being that almighty father figure He is, spoke to me and said, “I’m going to leave you for the month. You are on your own. You have to find your way. A way to yourself, and a way to me.” Then came my second thought.
“What in the world is that supposed to mean?!”
After he gave those words, I felt something pass through me. I didn’t understand what it was at the time, so I prayed and I prayed…but nothing. I felt cold, strange.
I was alone.
I knew God was there somewhere, but it wasn’t the same. I couldn’t hear from Him, I couldn’t feel Him. It was the strangest feeling I’ve ever felt. I felt…lifeless. I knew I couldn’t be fearful, but how was I supposed to carry out His commands without Him being there? I didn’t understand. It’s easy enough to intercede, praying for a person. And to be relational, no problem. But what did He mean by finding a way to myself and Him, not to mention Him being silent.
Learning isn’t always fun.
The next day after that, I remember waking up with one question, a question that were to haunt me the next couple of weeks: Who am I? I went through that day, trying to be confident, trying to keep a straight face, but it was stuck on me. I just couldn’t pin point it, and it seriously bothered me. The hardest part: no answer. Not even a whisper from God. Great.
What am I going to do?
I panicked. I have never had a problem with this before. I’ve never questioned my own motives, my own being, my own self-worth. What does it all mean? Why did God want me to do this, especially now? How is it that I now, through a time of so much change going on, that God has to leave me and break me in half? Why do I have to play the part of Job now?
Where are you?
…and there was still no answer.
Broken hearted, frustrated, and tired, I continued His instructions, realizing that He did this for a reason. So I started this month, no direction, no help, no someone to turn to. I couldn’t ask for help, not from the others. This is something specific God put on my heart, a cross I need to carry. A cross I need to know through and through, and I had to do it alone. Me, myself. Whoever that is….
