“It is, I think, that we are all so alone in what lies deepest in our souls, so unable to find the words, and perhaps the courage to speak with unlocked hearts, that we don’t know at all that it is the same with others.”
-Sheldon Vanauken, “A Severe Mercy”
As I am writing this post, my life looks drastically different then it did this time last year. These past 8 months since I have been home have undoubtedly been the hardest months of my life. I am writing this blog for a few reasons:
1. The past few weeks God has been nudging me to write it and I could no longer ignore Him.
2. I’m assuming that someone is suppose to learn something from me sharing my sufferings and how they have transformed me.
3. In a selfish way, I need to write this to help me put these thoughts into words and hopefully learn even more about God while I try and relay the mystery of how suffering and growth go hand in hand.
So, I have found that God loves us so much that he will go to severe measures to get our attention. He loves me too much to let ignorance and pride swallow me up. Those first couple months after returning from my adventure on the World Race, I had started to realize two huge problems that had actually become part of who I am and how I see God. I will try to explain them briefly here, not giving you all the details because I believe some things are best kept between me and God. This is also where you might start to form judgements, whether you might think poorly of me or respect and affirm my vulnerability, I want to be clear that I am not writing this to glorify myself or to show false humility… I’m just obeying God. Also, I am finally starting to pass the point of caring what people think (good or bad).
1. First problem that hit me hard and very clearly was my confidence in my flesh. My whole life has been centered around the way I look. Even after I gave my life to Jesus. I felt my looks and my relatable outgoing self was one thing I could hold onto to keep me connected and in the “in” crowd wherever I went. I even felt more comfortable talking about Jesus when I thought I looked good! My foundation was still built on the ways of the world because I felt this false confidence in who I was. Along with this, I have always gotten my affirmation from guys instead of my creator. I hate to admit this but for the past two years God has tried to confront it and I never knew how to change. The race, was suppose to be an escape from the material world I lived in and 9 months with no guys, just God and I. But what really happened was I fell for someone for the first time in my life. I even thought that this was how God was going to heal my problem with men… by giving me the “right” man to love. Anyways, 9 months pass by and neither of these problems really changed. I came home 30 pounds heavier and my first ever heartbreak. These were the waves and the wind that made my confidence and “self love” crumble beneath me.
2. My relationship with God had completely changed over the 9 months on the race. I believe I gained an intimacy with Him and was changed by all the amazing miracles I witnessed. I also know my faith changed in some negative ways to. I won’t go into detail about everything but I came home very confused in my faith. I noticed that unconsciously I started to work for God’s approval instead of sit with Him. I didn’t recognize myself to be honest. I was always in my head about every little thing. Somehow, these lies just stacked up and I forgot who God is completely. I found myself on the road to living a life of religion, trying to be the best Christian I could be. I thought that all I needed was to get back out there and go onto the next mission. Furthermore, God did not hold back when He told me I was living for the rush of life, the adventure, and even the popularity. My life has been in the spotlight for as long as I can remember and when I gave my life to God, everyone witnessed that transformation. I want to make it known that when God found me, I was completely a mess. My testimony of transformation could have only happened because of a divine intervention from God. That is all real. But, I do believe I got hung up on showing everyone how cool and exciting being a Christian can be. I wanted my life to be full of radical love, adventure, and pure joy and I wanted to show everyone. This is definitely where pride entered my story. So, I decided that I would go serve in LA at the Dream Center for another 9 months. I would leave in a month and not have to confront all this deep pain and confusion I was experiencing.
Now that I have shared with you my physical and spiritual state of mind, I can now share about the night where my world flipped upside down. About a week before I was suppose to take off to LA, I was approached by a girl I did not know and she asked me to study the Bible with her. I agreed and was later invited to her house and found myself sitting at a table with her and her parents. Bible’s opened, they had a whole study prepared for me about Sin, light, and darkness. Before we began The mom said, “Just so we are all on the same page, Chloe you are aware that you are not saved yet and you are living in the darkness”. Tears immediately fled my eyes and my mind went completely blank. This family began to use the words of God, the Bible, to “prove” that I am not saved. Every time I tried to defend my faith or share the times I have physically experienced Jesus, they tore it apart. I left 3 hours later literally feeling like my life was over. My faith, had become my everything and now I had never been more lost. I hated the way I looked. I was dealing with deep feelings of rejection. I cried myself to sleep hoping I would be visited by an angel that night.
I woke up knowing that I was not supposed to go to LA and honestly I believe making that decision was the most mature thing I’ve ever done. Because at that point I could not have cared less about what people thought or what I would do instead. All I knew is that the foundation I had was completely shattered and I was drowning and would do anything to be close with God.
The first month after deciding not to go, I fell into deep depression. I have never carried so much pain, bitterness, confusion, and doubt. There was this certainty deep down that God was closer than ever but, I couldn’t feel Him or hear Him. I started being blinded by my thoughts. I started hating everything about Christianity. All day I would have thoughts, mocking everything about Christians. But, I also had no desire to go back to the world… If I am being honest, I tried! I turned to some of my old ways to maybe feel some type of joy or affirmation but it was so funny because ITS SUCKED! I literally laughed out loud at God because of the situation I was in. I couldn’t turn to Christianity or people of faith and I couldn’t turn to the ways of the world. So there I was, stuck.
I lived in this middle ground for way too long! It wasn’t till December reached, and I was so fed up of wasting time. I realized that I needed to get up and start fighting for my life. I can’t really explain how I was finally able to see and understand all this because this is too long already. But, It hit me, that there is the way of the world, the way of religion, and then theres way of Jesus Christ.
“Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”-John 14:6. There is only one way to find truth and to find life to the full and its not religion or even Christianity. It is only through Jesus. When I first fell in love with Him not knowing anything about religion or how to be a christian, that was real. Its been a journey and I think I was on an almost 3 year Jesus high! But, I was caught and entangled but the ways of this world and my own desires.
-God saw me finding security and comfort in the my looks. He casted down the idol of appearance. So that I could no longer feel confident in my body after I came home. For a while I felt ugly but when I started to choose the way of Jesus, He showed me that I become beautiful when I am one with who IS beauty, God.
-God saw me searching for worth and a love with a man but that only led me to a broken heart. Now, he is redefining where I find my worth and constantly wooing me with His goodness.
-Lastly, and most importantly, God saw me going down a path of Religion and always striving to be a better Christian, So what did He do? He allowed me to have a first hand experience of the darkest side of religion.. where people start to manipulate the words of God for their own benefit. Where there is no love but all laws. The type of religion that only brings destruction. God allowed me to go through one of the worst nights of my life so that eventually my eyes would be open to what this is all about.
I believe God will allow us to go through trials because He loves us so freaking much. I think when we finally come to the end of ourselves, thats when we fully become His and fully become alive.
I prayed for a while while I was in Africa that I could know Christ through not only His life but I may also know His suffering. Now, here I am 8 months later, finally beginning to understand the length and breadth of the freedom Jesus purchased for me. I am so thankful for His discipline and mercy on me. Because it has only strengthened my character and may faith.
I also believe we will go through many stages in our faith.. and maybe to the world it looks like I have backslid or got a demotion of some sort, but God has actually brought me a step deeper into His truth. Now, I have been given a time to figure all of this out for myself and God is starting to build a foundation of solid rock under me that no storm will be able to defeat. It is faith and faith alone that We are saved.
If you read this and you are constantly striving to be a better Christian, Stop. Stop trying to prove to the world something that God has not asked you to. If you post on your social media all about God or your bible but don’t spend secret time with alone… then take a step back and get close with God. Don’t let religion or laws distract you from our God.
If you are reading this and are going through trials and experiencing pain. God is closer than ever. Will you trust Him even when there is suffering, or will you be like Peter and reject Jesus when things get hard and you can’t “feel” Him. We must rejoice when trials come because that means we will get to know more of Jesus. Don’t give up for God’s timing is perfect. Commit to Him even though you can’t see any blessing ahead.
If you are reading this and don’t know God and you’re living your life as you please, I pray that you know God is pursuing you. And I have a little analogy to help explain my life and the light of Jesus.
Once you taste just a little bit of God’s goodness…This light comes on and you are forever changed! This light brings a life that is so full with love, joy, peace, hardships, suffering, and victories.. that it would make the pleasures of the world look so dark and lifeless… But I have tried to run away from that light and go back into the darkness, because I am weak and imperfect, I thought I would be able to like the darkness again, but actually, the light just started to grow brighter and brighter. My eyes were open to how lifeless the darkness is. But the important part is, if you’ve never experienced God’s light for yourself, then your living in that darkness and thats all you know! If you have never seen light then how are you suppose to know you are in the dark!
I pray that a desire would start to stir within you… a longing that cannot be filled by this earth.. and remember, “those who condemn what they do not understand are, surely, little men.” – Sheldon Vanauken, A Severe Mercy
If you read this whole thing, thank you! I am excited to share that I am running my race and not looking back or at anyone else.. I am throwing off the things of this world that are hindering me, and I am committing to Know God even though I have no clue what the future holds!
