I come home in a month. The thought of this equally excites and terrifies me. My biggest fear is other peoples expectations of me and my journey. Have I changed too much after this 9 month journey or have I not changed enough? Another fear of mine is not having a set plan for when I get home. I’m not enrolled in college and I don’t have a career picked out. I’m not very sure about anything for the future to be honest. The world around me, even the community I have here, seem to be so sure about the next season in their lives and have some very practical plans for when they get home. When people ask me what I am doing when I get home all I can say is, “Well… I want be a waitress for a little while”. I sit with God at least every other day and talk to Him about my future but it always just seems like He is leaving me hanging. My first reaction is to compare! Compare my relationships, my faith, my worth, and my purpose to everyone else’s. This past month I would be on Instagram, looking at all the senior spring break pictures, senior prom, and now graduation/open houses!
What I’m about to say is going to be pretty alarming but keep reading, I’m going somewhere with this…I think.
Looking at all these things I started to question… what if God never happened to me? What if I never had the encounter with my Creator or what if I just ignored it? (which is what a lot of us do). What if I kept living the life that I had planned out for myself. I remember being a freshman and looking forward to my senior year.. possibly leading blue crew, senior spring break, and prom. I had some pretty great ideas for senior prank week lol… finishing out high school with lots of friend and fun parties. Then I would probably be going somewhere like IU (which is a great school) Having my open house and spending the summer on Geist Lake… living the life!!!
All of these thoughts and memories of a life that I had planned for myself before I met God flooded my mind. A part of me wanted to go back to be completely honest and do things differently. I could have just started going to church, believing in God, and maybe even be a YL leader and still pursue all the other things of the world. Or I could have just declined the invitation to a life with Christ and move along with my plans. Why did I have to graduate a whole year early and then leave all my comforts for 9 months… just to be here, month 8, questioning so many things!!
Then I remembered something very important… comparison is the biggest liar I’ve ever met in my whole 18 years on this earth. I started to recall what my spring breaks were actually like… Being on the beach all day hoping that my body looked good enough in a bikini. Sneaking around my parents and getting drunk to the point where I wake up the next morning, not remembering my night… just to do it all over again the next day. But you bet that I posted cute pictures on Instagram telling everybody how happy I was on the beach. I remembered my Junior prom… trying to please all my old friends by showing them that the “Christian” girl can still hang lol. Getting drunk off wine because thats more Godly then shots of vodka and making decisions that made me feel so shameful the next morning.
When the first day of what should have been my senior year, I was on a plane. Starting this journey that God has called me to. Today is what should have been my last day of high school… Instead I am sitting in an orphanage in the bush of Zambia living and insanely hard but beautiful life. I am currently crying because as I am typing this I am realizing how freaking good God is.
When I told God that I wanted to do this life with Him, I lost almost everything that mattered to me at the time. But what I gained was actual life and an understanding of what actually matters! The truth is we are just a bunch of bodies that wander an earth that we didn’t create. Inside we are dead until we know and accept the One that created us. No wonder we feel lost or even worse… we are lost to the point that were not even aware of the fact that we are. We conform to the patterns of the world because thats all we know. WE DO THE EXACT SAME THINGS EVERY YEAR. In the summers theres boating, concerts, we might even change it up with a music festival!! How many times have you been in the lawn of Klipsh Music Center kinda listening to the music but mainly just getting drunk and high. Then, were in school.. college or high school… getting through the days of the week with pressures of performance from school, sports, or parents. then getting to the weekend going to the same exact parties… doing the same exact things. But hey… at least we look good? at least were popular? at least we have a lot of Instagram followers? Right?
I heard once, I think it was in some rap song, that there is one sure thing… everybody is going to die, but not everyone is going to live. When I was struggling with loosing the things of this world and the life that I knew, one of my mentors shared some words of wisdom with me. Her husband went to Carmel High School and was in the popular crowd there. He met God and led a life of purpose and now has a beautiful family and is following God wholeheartedly. He will see some of his buddies from high school now in their late thirties… still smoking weed and getting drunk, hanging around the same crowd, married the girl they had a thing with in high school and have some kids. But they question where their life went and who they even are.
We have to ask ourselves at a young age, what really matters? What do I want my life to be about? Am I truly even living? I can sit here and say that these past 9 months have been some of the craziest, hardest, and best times of my life. I accepted the gift of salvation and knowing my creator. Yes I had to give up a lot of things to have this new life but I wouldn’t call it giving up, I’d call it, trading up. I’ve made best friends on 5 out of the 7 continents. I’ve gotten to live with close to nothing and understand a little bit of what its like for people who have nothing. I’ve gotten to ride on top of cars in the middle of nowhere India while time just stood still as I gazed upon the bright warm sun as it sets so close to me. I get to be in villages that have no electricity and no noise so at night the stars fill the peaceful night sky, their so bright and beautiful that they almost look fake. Its so quiet that I can hear Gods whisper telling me that I’m even more beautiful than the night sky that I’m in awe of. I get to witness to Gods power when He heals His children who have been physically suffering their whole lives.
God has written a story for each of our lives.. when you wake up and realize that the God who created the universe can do much more with your life than you ever could… thats when you truly start living. Now, I will be the first one to tell you that its not easy. But everything thats truly worth something in this life is not easy. I’m so passionate about sharing this with you guys because I know what its like. I have experienced all that the world has to offer and the truth is… at the end of the day it will never be enough. Because the world did not create you. The world does not know you or care about you. God does. It’s up to you… to accept the invitation to finally start living. Or like I said earlier.. we can keep ignoring the invitation to true life because… Ignorance is bliss… right??
So here I am, a month away from coming home. Yeah sure I don’t know what my plans are for the future. But I can tell you this, I sure as hell didn’t plan on being where I am today, living in Zambia being loved on by 30 orphans every day. Living a life led by my creator knowing that He has incredible things in store for me. We only get one chance at this gift called life and I know that I don’t want to live mine like everyone else’s and you don’t have to either.
Some Quotes and bible verses that inspired me to write this today:
“No eye has seen
No ear has heard,
No mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him”. -1 Corinthians 2:9
“Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is-His good, pleasing, and perfect will”. -Romans 12:2
“Two roads diverged in the middle of my life,
I heard a wise man say
I took the road less traveled by
And thats made the difference every night and every day” -Larry Norman
“Earth’s crammed with heaven,
And every common bush afire with God,
But only he who sees takes off his shoes;
The rest sit round it and pluck blackberries”. -Elizabeth Barrett Browning
