Hi friends,
This is a raw and totally un-edited look at exactly where I am at currently. Please have grace for this hot mess gal just trying to follow where she is being lead.
The last post I wrote was about Training Camp (I know, I’m a terrible blogger) and the incredible and exhausting ten days that it was. As we left Training Camp in October, they told us the in-between season between camp and launch in January would be really difficult, and I heard them, but I didn’t realise just to what extent that would be. I arrived home to life as I knew it, and yet everything was different at the same time. I went back to work, studying, life rhythms – just as I had left them. Slipping back into my routine was fairly easy, and I wondered what they had been talking about at Camp; but I soon found out. Spiritual warfare absolutely swept throughout our squad with deaths, loss, personal crises, work crises & everything else bad you can think of. The enemy was attacking us SO hard because we were ready to go and do the work of the Lord so passionately following TC. We knew it was coming and yet little could stop the power of it.
Fast forward to the last few days;
Yesterday I told someone about the World Race and their reply was “I just don’t get charity work, why on earth would you do that?”
My reply took a little longer than I’d like. But honestly in that moment I had to stand back and really think about why I thought it was a good idea without just giving this person a generic answer. As I booked my one way flight to Atlanta for the 11th January 2018 last night I had a very similar moment. Why?
I wish I could say I had this question completely answered, but I’m afraid as I sit and type this blog post, I am all out of answers, apart from to say the Lord told me to. That is absolutely enough for me, but it also leaves me with this confused-empty-pit-in-my-stomach feeling because I don’t fully understand why it was me that He needed to go. In fact as I hit the ‘Complete Booking’ button last night on my airline page, I cried so hard I could just about see where to click. Overwhelmed, scared and inadequate were just some of the words that were being screamed at me. And then I felt the Lord prompt me to write this all on a blog post, despite knowing absolutely none of the answers to all the scary questions I am feeling right now.
So here I am, in the messy in between waiting stage.
Reminiscing about the sweetest training camp days, enjoying every single second of being in the rhythms of my current world that make a whole lot of sense to me, savouring every moment I spend with my family & fiancé (welcome to the blog CB, thanks for being my biggest encourager and picking me up every time I crumble around you), worrying about what might go wrong while I’m away, contemplating just how many tattoos my sister will be able to squeeze in in 11 months, wondering if someone will get sick, thinking about how I will miss every milestone of my beautiful best friend’s baby boy as he grows over the next year, wondering if I will lose all my knowledge of medicine and how to do my job, missing my best friends as they celebrate loves and losses over the next 325 days, missing out on planning my best friends wedding and hen do with her, craving the community of the World Race AND looking forward to serving Jesus everyday for 11 months. Feeling all that in one day (every day) is absolutely exhausting.
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So why put all this worry and angst on a blog post. I think the Lord wanted me to write this down for a few reasons;
1. To remind me that is ok to not be ok in every second of this process. It is by far the scariest thing I have ever done, and maybe ever will do, and it is ok to not know all the answers. It is forcing me to lean onto the shoulder of God and pray that he carries me. I hope this serves as a beautiful reminder for me some day of how each step of this process was so hard and yet so sweet simultaneously. I hope I look back and can see the bravery that everyone else tells me I have.
2. To encourage someone else. Who, I’m not sure. But maybe YOU reading this need to know that in the midst of whatever scary thing you are facing, you are just where you need to be. Trust in God with absolutely everything you have and he will direct your feet one step at a time into the blissful plan he has waiting for you. Walking into the unknown is so completely overwhelming and scary, and yet it is only unknown to you, because our God knows exactly what he is doing. He has seen it all from the second he combed through eternity and picked you out for your exact destiny. You are important and seen by the Creator of the Universe.
3. To encourage a future world racer who is contemplating beginning this beautiful process of sacrifice, loss & gain. Is it easy? Absolutely not. I am sure every one of my squadmates would agree with that. Is it intense? YES. Is it so scary the thought of running away and hiding seems like a great idea? Absolutely. Does it require you to be a perfect Christian? NO. Does it involve leaving everything you love for a year, potentially including your fiance?! Yes. Is it going to be the most incredible, life changing year of your life? I am prophesying over myself AND YOU that it absolutely will be. The Lord wouldn’t have brought us to this place if it wasn’t going to radically change you & I and the people around us. Can you go on the World Race and still have a relationship and a wonderful family and friends? YES. They are not things that stop you doing the work of the LORD, they are beautiful supporters and the best present in the world to come home to.
4. To remind us that in a world of complete unknowns, he is the one true constant. No matter where I am in this world, my Saviour is with me every step of the way.
“My ears had heard of you, but now my eyes have seen you”
Job 42:5
Chloe xo
