Hola!
Well I’ve had quite a week.
On Tuesday I woke up with a throat so swollen and sore I could barely swallow. During the following 4 days, it became a basic cough/sniffles/cold with a mild fever to top it off. I fought for the first few days to still go to ministry, but it was sporadic, difficult, worsened the cold, and I ultimately gave in; knowing that my body simply needed rest.
It was our first week in the Dominican Republic. Our ministry host is, by far, my favorite host thus far. The ministry is varied and entirely enjoyable.
Africa was tremendously difficult for me on a personal-emotional-spiritual level; but I came out of it ready to take on this new month in a new country, new culture. Then BAM! Week no. 1, and I’m down for the count. Bummer.
And it was the best week I’ve had on the Race! No joke, friends. It was as if God tied me down and said, “Sit down and shut up! I’m talking to you!” It was great!
First off, I was alone. Like actually ALONE for hours at a time. Now you may not be aware of this, but alone does NOT happen on the Race. EVER. NEVER. ZERO alone time. Yet I was the only one here while the others where at ministry.
They spent the night at the beach on Friday and it was the first time in 8 months that I slept alone.
Secondly, we’re staying in a nice, comfortable little place that has plenty of room for me to pace. Now for those of you who don’t know me very well, I’m a ‘pacer.’ You have no idea. No joke. It’s a strange scientific phenomina. I think, pray, and process 500% better if I’m pacing.
And pace I did.
My first day, I paced for 1.5 hours straight.
Total. Awesomeness.
On that first day I reached a point of absolute exasperation over how much I care about what other people think of me. I’ve been fighting off that fear for years. Fear of what others think of me has dominated my life for too long. I snapped. I mean I really snapped. ‘Race life’ has pushed me so far into annoyance, irritation, and anger towards my squadmates and ministry life in general, that I literally snapped. I’m done with it. Done with giving a damn about what people think. If they have something to say, they can say it; and if they don’t say anything, it’s none of my business and I don’t care anymore.
It was so liberating!
And that was just day 1.
I continued to process over the next couple of days, but it got really good after everybody left on Friday afternoon.
Now I’ve been surrounded by people day and night for so many months now, and they had all left to spend two days on a tropical beach and a night at a nice hostel, without me.
I was feeling a bit low.
Then it hit me: I had two days all by myself! The peace of solitude washed over me like a cool breeze. Not just a few hours while the team’s at ministry; this time I would actually be entirely alone without any chance of somebody showing up. BOO YEAH!
I immediately delved into my own emotional depths, seeking guidance and growth anywhere God would lead me.
I didn’t have to search long.
I spontaneously felt led to hop on Facebook and read a recent post to one of those inspirational pages I follow.
And, of course, it was exactly what I needed in that moment.
Ever since my struggles in Africa, I’ve been fighting two particular battles:
1. Anger issues
2.A complete lack of peace and joy, accompanied with difficulty loving well.
Somewhere along the way, I lost my peace. It took my joy, and that made love difficult. It’s been hard.
Wouldn’t you know it? That post on FB was specifically about finding peace, joy, love, and freedom! It was incredible! It was as if the writer had studied my own heart, seen my very struggles, and wrote out a personalized solution.
From there, it was like I jumped under a waterfall of self-realization, understanding, growth, spiritual connection, and all the good things that go along with it all.
I returned to the FB homepage to find one of those little ‘see what you posted 2 years ago, today’ things. I thought, ‘What the heck; I’ll see where I was at two years ago.” What I saw made me so very sad. So sentimental. The posts in front of me showed a clear picture of one very happy, focused, individual; excited about life, dreams, and goals. A person now lost to me; left in the dust.
I was fresh out of my Klemmer training, in the middle of a variety of other life-improving trainings. There were a couple funny posts, a quote from Bob Proctor. A declaration of a new goal I had just made to eat well. And a link to by latest blog post.
Now this wasn’t just any blog! Guys, I used to have THREE blogs! And if it weren’t for that FB post, I probably would never have found any of them ever again. They were so far back in my memory, I couldn’t even have remembered where to find them or what they were called!
Yet here was a link to one. And it led me to all three. On a whim, I started reading. It was as if I was outside of myself, getting to know somebody new. One of the strangest sensations of my life. I read every post on all three blogs; I didn’t remember a word of any of them.
It was such a sad thing.
You see, I’m living the life out here! I’ve reached the ultimate goal. I’m ‘living the dream.’ But somewhere along the way, I lost sight of all the lessons that got me here.
I literally reconnected with myself! I’ve been feeling so empty for so many months now. Trying to find out what I need to ‘fill up.’
The thing I had lost was actually myself.
See the Race is tough. Yes, it’s even more awesome than you can imagine; I love it. But it’s rough and it’s tough, and I went into survival mode real quick. Caught up in appearances and doing what I think I’m supposed to do and trying desperately to figure out what the heck I am supposed to do… I lost myself so fast. It all became about taking it one day at a time and getting through the best I could. I’ve learned and grown and loved it, but I lost sight of who I am. My design, my blueprint, the person that God created me to be!
I found myself this week.
Words can’t really describe the journey. Though I see it with such clarity myself. I wish I had the words to truly share it with you. But perhaps, if you are open, and very very fortunate, you will have a similar lesson in your own life.
HA! I don’t know if this post even makes sense to anybody else haha! But I hope so.
What a week it’s been. I very nearly went home after Africa. I was empty, tired, worn out, and just DONE. But God wanted me to keep going. I got to see my parents during a layover in New York. And the final 3 months of the Race are in the Caribbean! How bad could it be? Heh. Now here I am closing out week 1, and it’s as if I’m finally running the Race for real! I’m alive! Like I’ve never been before.
God is so good. Growth is just magical sometimes.
For those of you that have been supporting me, I hope this post shows you a reasonable glimpse of the incredible impact this trip is having on me personally. I will be posting about what I’ve actually been doing in ministry soon 😉
I only have $1100 left to raise, and I’m WAAAAY past the final deadline for it. Can you perhaps help me top it off and finish without the dept? I’m so close!
Love you all! TTFN
