I woke up this morning early, to be with my Papa, I came to Him to find peace and rest and security.
And then I let the enemy creep in.
It was just a small whisper, a small crack in the identity that my beautiful Father had built up during the Race, and for the next few hours, I became decimated by it. A small voice that said "you're not doing enough." My mind ran to all of the tender spots, still not yet cemented, secure in what my Savior says about me.
- That I couldn't provide for myself.
- I'll never get to CGA
- I can't do anything productive with music
- My music degree was a waste
- I'll never amount to anything
- My family is tired of me being at home
- That they don't want me around.
- That my passions and dreams are worthless
- They will never come to fruition
So I panicked. My heart raced. I have to be busy, I have to produce to show the world I'm not worthless. I began to make "escape" plans. Get in my car and drive. To Colorado. To Georgia. Run away like Jonah to Tarshish. Live in my car, Get a meaningless job (if I'm lucky). Sell my viola. Do whatever it takes to survive.
ALL LIES
But, beloved:
GOD DID NOT FORSAKE ME
He covered me in His shadow. He fought for me, protected me, sent me my brother Grayson Fleetwood and sister Amanda Kerr.
And He reminded me that there is always hope. I'm not alone, I have my squad, my "church" that supports me, encourages me, declares life over me, prays for me, loves me well.
Even after the Race, my identity is not complete. Nor should I have thought it would be. Identity is something that takes time for the Father to make secure in Him. It takes time to simmer, to settle. Kingdom identity must overcome attempts to destroy it by accusation. What I see now is this: God has victory to show us our identity, but it's revelation to us is only the beginning. God takes us through a journey of making it firm in Him, and sometimes that means taking it through the fire of accusation, as Jesus experienced in the wilderness.
It wasn't finished when God said over Jesus: "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased." (Matt. 3:17)
Jesus then had to go into the wilderness. His identity as Son had to be challenged. He had to ignore the accusations of the enemy. If He even questioned it for a moment, His power and authority would have been of naught. The assurance is in this though, beloved, that He overcame, that He was firm in His identity FOR US, that in such righteousness, that He would give it up so we could have it.
So that OUR identity could be assured
firm
IRON CLAD in Jesus' blood and resurrection.
Let this be an encouragement to you. You are not alone, ever. When you experience attack, God understands. He's been there, and He had victory so that He could give you victory. He is refining you, making your faith and identity in Him unshakeable. Trust in that. It is His good will for you, His beloved children.
And so we must walk in faith. We must approach the doors He sets before us in faith that He will be with us. I must approach the door of CGA, believing the Lord has called me there and will provide for all my means, financial or otherwise. If it is to close, so be it, but I will never know unless I approach that door.
This I leave you with, approach the doors of future events and needs. Do not run away from them or attempt to escape because of fear. Boldly seek the things the Lord has set before you. If you don't you'll never see how GREAT His provision is, and even greater, His love for you.
(Thanks for listening to my processing. Thanks for your support and prayers!)
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