I’ve been spending a great deal of time this month contemplating brokenness, abandonment, and dependency. I’ve watched as my teammates have begun and now are in the midst of this process. For many of them, this is their first international missions experience. For some, it is the first time out of the country. And let me say this, God is doing something great in all of them, and I am blessed to see the growth that is occurring in their lives as they grow through this process. And so, in watching them, and after reading Seth Barnes’ Kingdom Journeys, I have been wondering when it will happen for me.
I question why has leaving home not struck me as so challenging? Why has the constant sweat, the food, the sickness, the bugs, the sleeping conditions, the feeling of being constantly watched by a horde of children, and never having alone time not struck me as difficult yet? Shouldn’t this transition leave me more broken? For all the comforts of home I have abandoned, shouldn’t I be struggling, as this process usually seems to go? Aren’t I supposed to encounter some injustice, or be racking my brain over why God heals some but not others? These things have occurred in this past two months, but they haven’t unsettled me.
But then I realized that my brokenness comes from a different source: one less tangible, less common than what seems to occur on the Race for many.
Leadership.
You see, I feel humbled in leading my team because I wake up each day, knowing that somehow, I will fail someone on my team. I will likely offend someone, or make a mistake in a decision, and I have absolutely NO IDEA how to be a spiritual leader or even hope to foster of spirit of unity among them. I feel like some want to usurp my position because they could do it better. And they probably could.
So, I feel entirely weak. They may not see it yet, but in this journey of mine, I am completely broken in leading this team. Each day I have to surrender to God and ask for his wisdom, his guidance, and also his forgiveness, because each day, I screw this stuff up.
I trust that God has me in this position for a reason, but with so many other natural leaders on the team with dominant personalities, I can’t help but question, “Really God, why did you choose me?”
This is not a complaint, nor is it a statement of doubt in God. Rather, it is the awareness that my brokenness in this is actually increasing, and my dependence on God is increasing proportionally. I don’t know when the climax will hit, and I don’t know what the end point looks like. Shoot, it’s not even to the point of breaking down to tears, but I’m sure that it will come. All I do know is that I feel helpless to lead these people, and I hope that God is doing something in my heart that will grow me closer to Him.
All I can do is turn to God, thank Him for whatever is going on, and keep following until the point comes where ministry IS too difficult, living IS too uncomfortable, and the pain of those we serve emotionally breaks me. Because right now, I could do this out of my own power, out of my self sufficiency. But I don’t want to, and I’m trying to choose dependency. Please pray that God breaks my pride and leads me to further challenges, brokenness and dependency.
