The truth…such an interesting concept. The thing about it is that you can’t change what it is, but you can decide what you do with it.
So, what’s the truth?
The truth is I don’t want to be here anymore.
I’m tired; physically, emotionally, spiritually, and I’m sure a few other “ally” words I can’t think of right now. To go even further into the truth I have been contemplating actually going home. About five minutes prior to writing this I compiled a list of all the reasons I wanted to go home, which is an extremely long list I might add. It contained everything you would expect to find; missing my family, missing my friends, exhausted….and probably a few things you wouldn’t expect to find either; it’s not what I expected, I feel like I’m in a perpetual state of performance driven Christianity, I feel like the only thing keeping me here is my pride. And the list goes on and on and on and on….
So now that you know the truth, the question is what am I going to do with it?
Well, to answer that I have to first answer this: why would I want to stay? What reasons are enough to cancel out the novel of reasons to go home? It probably took less than 30 seconds for me to figure that out. The reason I would want to stay is the same reason as to why I came on the Race in the first place: to find God. One sentence. One tiny, tiny sentence.
Is it enough?
Is it worth it?
Will this one statement keep me here?
The truth is the list really doesn’t matter, not really anyways. I mean the list could be the opposite…500 things in the “stay” column and one thing in the “go” column, and I would still have to decide; which one is enough? It all comes down to what you decide to do with the truth. Go, or stay?
The pretty ending to this story would be “and I decided to stay. I decided it was worth it. He is worth it.” But that wouldn’t be the truth. The pretty thing looks and sounds better, but it isn’t always true, so instead I am leaving you with an incomplete question and a prayer. To go, or to stay?
God I need You. I need a sign, a miracle, something to tell me that what I’m doing is right. That this is right where you have me for a reason and it’s not pointless…but also give me the eyes to see and the ears to hear it and obedience to follow it, because honestly I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.
