I am a firm believer that stories are most beautiful in their rawest form; complete with tears, sorrow, and grief…because it’s also their truest form. I think the problem comes when we start feeling like we have to dress them up- change them, in a sense, to “sell them” to people. Our stories are enough. Just the way they are.
So, with all of that said, here mine is. In all it’s gory, rawness….and utter perfection.
People used to always talk about the transforming power of Jesus, and I will admit I would join right along in the conversation agreeing that He brought me out of this pit of sin and so forth and so on…but honestly I didn’t know what the heck I was talking about. I just knew what I was supposed to say, so I would say that…which is absolutely ridiculous now that I look back; and probably why I spent the first seven months of the Race in a sea of doubt. Probably more of an ocean than a sea, but that’s neither here nor there.
It wasn’t until two weeks ago that I finally got it. I mean really, really got it. I should probably backtrack now for this to make sense. Soooooooo, a looooooot of years ago, before I was even thinking about God, I was a pretty terrible person. But there was one thing in particular that I had done that I believed was the worst thing you could possibly ever do; which i’ve come to learn that most people feel this way about something in their life. Anyways, because of it my life was flooded with guilt, shame, condemnation, regret; basically all emotions along those lines. Then I heard about Jesus. And most people’s stories go something like “and then my life was transformed.” But that’s just not how it was for me. I had brought all of these same emotions I had experienced B.C. into my relationship with Him, so there was no room for transformation.
I was allowing these things to literally torture me, but I didn’t even realize it. I was so ashamed and wrapped up in self-condemnation that I did not tell a soul. It wasn’t until this past year, by a series of only God-ordained events, that healing started. It was so simple really. I found a blog written by a woman who wasn’t afraid to admit she had faults. She wasn’t afraid to put everything out there. I messaged her, basically word-vomiting everything i’ve felt for the past few years, not really expecting anything back but hoping for something at the same time. And ya’ll. GOD IS FAITHFUL. She messaged me back probably one of the most beautiful things I have ever read in my entire life. But honestly, it was the simple “me too” that did it for me.
Because of her, I was able to be honest with one more person…and one more person…and one more person until it no longer became this terrible thing I had done in my past, but instead a beautiful story of God’s redemptive power. Two weeks ago I was sitting with my team as I had just finished telling my testimony explaining that I still didn’t FEEL free. I didn’t understand why. And then it hit me. I WAS. I just didn’t know how to live that way, so I was still thinking that I wasn’t. When I really started thinking about it I realized I don’t feel condemnation. I don’t feel shame. I don’t feel guilt. All I feel is love.
Now I can honestly say I have been transformed. I get it. Truly get it. I AM FREE. I am free from shame. I am free from condemnation. I am free from guilt. THIS is what Jesus came for, and it is what I want for you, so badly, to understand. That the only person condemning you for things you’ve done (or are currently doing) is yourself. Jesus loves you. He wants you to be free and walk in the love that He has for you. Just let Him.
I am writing all of this because I believe there is something profound about hearing the words “me too;” knowing that you are not alone in your struggles. Knowing that being a Christian doesn’t mean you have to be this perfect being. There is so much healing and freedom found in those two small words; knowing that somehow, somewhere someone is going through the exact.same.thing. So, once again, be encouraged that your story is enough. Just the way it is. You just have to tell it.
“When Christ walked among us, He entrusted the Gospel to plain old regular people who were absolutely not religious professionals. If you have been transformed by the grace of God, then you have within you all you need to write your manifesto, your poem, your song, your battle cry, your love letter to a beautiful and broken world. Your story must be told.”
– Shauna Niequist
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