If we’re being totally honest here I have to admit, I cried my eyes out watching Into the Wild, and left feeling utterly shaken to the core, never wanting to watch it again.
I was paralyzed. Out of breath.
Dumbfounded. ..but why?
Coming home from the Race, my pre-Race-extremely-extroverted-self eagerly forged it’s way into protection by way of the deep dark dripping caves of introversion, and solitude.
My only companion: Golem (and thankfully, Jesus).
At the time, it was the most wonderfully refreshing feeling.
I was freed from the 24/7 living-in-community-life. I had had it up to *here* with pouring out my soul to my team mates day in and day out and desired only to be fully and completely alone. No one to tell me to “press in”, no one to take a magnifying glass to my heart in the bright sunshine and explain with words what they thought about it, no one to tell me to “process”, no more overly-emotional things to bear. I didn’t want to “do life” with these people any more.
I was finally able to sit there, in the silence of my dark cave: finally away from it all.
Little did I realize then, that the tasty momentary refreshing-ness of solitude would soon turn bitterly sour.
(Don’t get me wrong, stillness/silence/introspection/solitude, etc. are all good things. Beneficial things. But too much of a good thing can be very, very bad.)
Over the course of the months following, being a “WR Alumni” the deep dark cave had molded me into a pompous, arrogant, all-knowing fool.
I scoffed at the community I was around, thinking I was so great and wise from this journey around the world that the Lord had me on, and that they would benefit so much from my companionship. “I’m reading so many books! The Lord is teaching me so much! (granted, He always is and for that I’m thankful.) They should be grateful I’m around to help them out in this season!”
Note: I didn’t once thank the Lord for the beautiful grace of putting me IN a community in the first place.
I soon began to grow tired of all “this fellowship stuff”, as I began to see that they didn’t need me as much as I’d hoped for. So, I waited patiently to just merely “get out of it” and move on to the next place the Lord was leading.
And so He did.
I moved to Gainesville, Florida in January 2014.
I started out the year with the same thoughts and feelings in regards to this new community. “I’m so wise, they can learn so much from me.”
Yet a new thought process arose this time, “This is so frustrating! No one understands me! Why even bother with community and fellowship among these believers at all!”
“FORGET THIS NONSENSE!”
“FIRST WORLD AMERICANIZED ‘CHRISTIAN’ SOCIETY! *UUUGH*”
And so the angsty-Alexander-Supertramp-phase began.
The Lord had clearly called me to Gainesville, and has distinctly called me to agricultural missions (more on that later..)
Yet I craved more than anything to be a “hopeless wanderer” in the wilderness.
Adventuring, backpacking, climbing, camping, exploring, WITH the Word in hand–mind you.
Just me and the Lord, no tie downs, no established roots. “Freedom” with Him.
Because.. well.. No one will ever understand or agree with me anyway, it saves everyone the trouble, etc. etc.
It all came crashing down the day I watched Into the Wild.
I wept.
Curled up on my bed–in all my blankets–tissues everywhere.
We’re talking ugly cry, here folks.
Why??
**Into the Wild spoiler alert!
Alexander Supertramp, otherwise known as Christopher McCandless, dies at the end.
He died all alone, in the Alaskan wilderness, from eating poisonous berries on accident.
He had encountered so many relationships with different people on his adventurous journey to the famous ol’ abandoned bus-house in the Alaskan wilderness. Yet, he pressed on, despite even an offer of a “grandfather’s” desire to adopt him into his family.. He continued his solitary journey northbound, leaving them all behind.
It wasn’t until it was too late that he realized the importance of friendship–of community–of fellowship:
“Happiness is only real when shared.”
I cried because I realized how selfish and wrong my solitude had become.
I cried because the freedom that my solitary cave seemed to bring was discovered to actually be just a confining giant hole in the ground, separating me from reality.
I cried because a part of my heart was exposed and it had become rooted in pride and deceit.
I cried because my heart always knew that I wasn’t created to be a Alexander Supertramp.
I am called to live amongst community, amongst the lost and found: in all walks of life with or without the Lord.
Because I am called to be a light to others for His Name’s sake, not my own!
Forsaking these things would be to forsake, in essence.. Jesus and His call!
I was called to be united, standing as one, with my fellow brothers and sisters within the Church.
Supporting, bearing burdens, holding accountable, sharing, encouraging, admonishing each other for Jesus’ glory, His Name, the furthering of His Gospel and His Kingdom..
Not long after, with my pride shot from the sky, I read Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s biography and then his own book, Life Together.
When I first read this upcoming quote from Dietrich’s Life Together, it was as if someone had slushed a bucket of ice water down my back in winter time. It woke me up to say the least.
He was able to put into words what my mind was trying to piece together regarding the up and down journey I’ve experienced regarding community, on and off the Race.
“Let him who cannot be alone beware of community… Let him who is not in community beware of being alone… Each by itself has profound perils and pitfalls. One who wants fellowship without solitude plunges into the void of words and feelings, and the one who seeks solitude without fellowship perishes in the abyss of vanity, self-infatuation and despair.” – Dietrich Bonhoeffer
I’ve been both of those people! I’ve experienced both of those pitfalls in BEING one of those people!
I write this, now, though still a little introverted, out of the cave of seclusion, having a heart changed that’s now extremely grateful looking back upon all of the different communities the Lord has placed me in throughout the years, regardless of if at the time my heart was genuinely thankful about it. He has faithfully used each unique season of fellowship for the furthering of His Gospel, and deepening of our relationship–how can I not be glad in Him?
I’ve come to learn that fellowship among brothers and sister in the Lord is necessary, and good–that it’s a BLESSING from the Lord that we even get to commune in being a part of it!!
HE DESIGNED IT! It shapes, molds, and guides us further–iron sharpening iron, together!–unto Him!
IT’S BIBLICAL!
I’ve often since had to remind myself that where I am, and who I am placed alongside is no mistake or accident. He has placed me exactly where He wants me to be, among exactly who I am supposed to be with. And for that, I can rejoice in and can be utterly grateful to Him!
(the final, less intense, WR blog coming soon!)
