Romania is in the rear view now. We finished our time up with a week long debrief in Brasov, about an hour away from Transylvania. A World Race Debrief is packed with sessions, rest time, and time to explore the city. Our ability to minister comes from an overflow and you can’t overflow without refilling! To be honest with you, debrief wrecked me. In processing what last month felt like, I discovered that I have a lot of hurt to work through with God. The Lord had me visit those old wounds and open them up with him. All of the feelings of anger, inadequacy, and denial came rushing to the surface. One night during worship, our mentor (Kacie) asked for some of us to take a step of vulnerability. I raised my hand along with three other members of our squad. Unsure of what to expect, I sat on the floor and cried while my teammates and friends prayed over me. Kacie asked that everyone shout declarations over those with hands raised. Each person had these incredible things spoken over them.
Then it was my turn. I remember thinking “Lord, what am I to you?” I kept shaking my head in resistance to the words I was hearing.
“Daughter worthy of love”
“Forgiven so that you can forgive.”
“Clothed in wisdom”
“Redeemed.”
“Forgiven so that you can forgive.”
“Worthy”
“Forgiven.”
In that moment, I felt like a tidal wave was crashing over me. All of the mistakes, all of the hurt, all of the anger felt like a foreign object I had been clinging onto. I forced myself to stop saying “NO.” to all of these declarations. Instead, I just listened. Major wounds don’t close up in 24 hours, and emotional scars are no different. I know that my Father loves me. I know that he loves me without terms and conditions. He doesn’t keep score and he doesn’t shout curses at me when I mess up. After all, I’ve been told these things for my entire life. But for the first time in my life, I realized that these facts never left my head. They never made the journey from my brain to my heart. So if I had to tell you in one word what I’ve been up to these last few weeks, I would say “WRESTLING”.
Wrestling with the truth and trying to figure out why I struggle to believe it for myself. Wrestling with God and asking him “Why do you love me like this?”
Before Jacob was renamed and crippled (Genesis 32:22-32), he also wrestled with God. He fought and walked away different. He took on a limp and a new name; Israel. His limp was a reminder of a victory granted by God, not of his shortcomings.
In 8 months, I hope that I have that kind of limp. I hope that my spirit walks away forever changed.
