This weekend my team traveled to Cajamarca, Peru! We spent our time doing children’s ministry and blessing the church through prayer. One major event upcoming for the church is the construction of a permanent building. A short time ago the church in Cajamarca lost the rights to it’s building so now they meet in a small restaurant. The pastor and his wife live in a small apartment with their children. Despite the small space, they hosted us so lovingly and cooked three meals per day for us! On the day we arrived, we went out to see the land that the church will be on. We walked around the property and prayed protection over it. I prayed specifically for the congregation to love it’s pastor and his family well. When we arrived, we realized that other nearby property owners had tampered with the well and moved the fence posts. At that point of realization, it’s incredibly difficult to not question why the Lord didn’t send an army of angels to guard the property. After all, this church is for his glory! So why wouldn’t he protect it? The next major event was church in the evening. Currently the church is hoping to purchase a couple of motos so they can start up a small business. Each of these motos costs about $1,500 USD. The business would provide a small income for the church and pastor! To kick this off, the eight of us missionaries along with our host dipped our fingers in oil and anointed the moto they currently own. After we finished praying and went inside, I sat with the Lord on what my scripture reading had been that morning. I had just read some of Job. Specifically the portion where God grants the Accuser permission to lay hands on all of Job’s possessions. When I thought about how much I don’t understand God’s nature, I thought back on my questions from the morning. What I realized is that I don’t like being angry with God. I’m a little bit afraid of being smited (or is it smoted?) if I’m being honest! I hate the urge to ask him questions. I despise the uncertainty that comes with loving such a mysterious God. There’s so much of his nature that I can’t comprehend. There’s pain and suffering in the world that doesn’t seem fair. This post doesn’t have a neat conclusion or some grand takeaway by the way. Far from it! This week is full of questions for me. I’m taking all of the hurt and pain that makes me angry and I’m laying it in front of Him. I’m on my knees begging for an explanation that I may or may not receive.
Within this trial I have a choice. I can either believe that he’s a good God or a bad God. He’s either just or he’s cruel. So I’m choosing to believe what I know to be true. I know for a fact that he loves me. I know that he has a plan for my life. I know that he loves the church like a bride and he’ll honor the ministry going on in Cajamarca. I believe with all of my heart that what the scriptures sing about him is true. Even knowing those facts I’m going to struggle through this process. I’m going to wish I knew the answer to every question and I’m going to become frustrated with Him when he doesn’t answer. Why? Because I’m human. I’m human and he wants my honesty. More than my quiet “no questions asked” attitude he desires my honesty. He requires humility and I’m fighting to give it to him. Yes, I’m scared. The only thread I’m hanging onto is that my hunger to know him intimately is stronger than my fear of the unknown. So here’s to the fear of being smoted! Cheers.
