the following is the point when all my striving has ceased:
i feel compelled to admit that i don't enjoy what i am going through right now.
sunday night, i got this spiritual high from actually conquering an intense fear of public speaking.
the fact that i did not faint like during my last real speech in college
is proof God is building something in me.
but since then, darkness has crept into my spirit.
there is a literal heaviness to my steps.
my head is not in community. neither is my heart.
i am pretty sure it has not been in quite a while.
now i can at least out myself and be honest.
i don't want to be affirmed.
i don't want to affirm anyone else.
what i knew about loving people is not holding up. i am exhausted. i am decelerating.
some have said this is spiritual warfare. to me, i'm just that selfish.
it's that desire where i just want to turn my team and all else everything outside of me off.
i want to grow in the ways i want to grow. which is childish.
i want to be fixed. quickly, not slowly. which could be detrimental.
self-preservation is getting me nowhere.
not asking for help is a chain that i am trying to break.
and writing this is the first peek at that change the Lord desires in me.
maybe this does not make sense.
maybe my flesh will try to delete this by next week.
the feelings are hard to communicate because they are themselves difficult to understand.
but i thought the world should know.
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