i am suddenly the most content I have been in years.
these days, I live in Nsoko, Swaziland, surrounded by the mountains and sugar cane. Wild bands of children and livestock complete the scenery here. Although it is winter here, the afternoon sunbeams bear down all day everyday, reminding me of a Houston heatwave. And the nighttime sky rests so closely to earth that you really do feel like the Milky Way stars twinkle in the palm of your hands. Outside of the blessing of being in this place that God loves and created lies the daily opportunity to unload more emotional and spiritual baggage that I have carried into each passing day. but it starts by not running away, scared out of my mind by all the introspection a journey like this Race stirs up.
Which I have done for the past several MONTHS.
the Lord is currently moving mightily on my behalf.
And for that I am so thankful! He has given me a very new, and very tall, team to walk alongside me in my journey where I relent to vulnerability and intentionality unlike anything I’ve allowed to surface inside myself in the past year. our august ministry at the Anchor Center, and the literal time I have access to the internet today, is short and too precious to waste telling you about how successfully I have kept my failures at a minimum.
The reality is slowly, the condemning mind games I play on the inside are stopping.
One such is how I relate to other people.
The last couple of years, I have noticed a downswing in my relationships with my family and friends. Ties have just been strained to the point of breakage through and through.
Shouldering that burden is something I have chosen to do because for the most part, the sabotage was self-inflicted.
I can treat people terribly, as easily as I can lavish them with respect.
Really. I’m just one of the very worst at appreciating sometimes.
I don’t return phone calls.
You may know my whereabouts at any given moment if you’re lucky.
Give me a choice or I’ll automatically do things my way.
committing to a sure thing is equally as taxing as something unknown.
I will forget your birthday and other major milestones if I’m busy.
And now blogging has revealed my high tendency of avoidance.
In my eyes, relationships have long been cheaper by the dozen.
At this point in my Race, I can only be brutally honest.
There are examples after examples from my past that have shown me how scared I am of committing to anything or anyone outside of my own selfish desires.
and the last 14 days, it’s been painfully obvious to me.
my actions betray my words. Personally, I am tired of that.
And that’s been exact proof of how I long viewed my relationship with my Heavenly Father. And I’m not ashamed to say it. I largely felt abandoned by the Lord. alone and unprotected. far beyond what makes sense to me, God cares for me. i am His and He thinks about me constantly. i can be that person who, at times, feels like I have to contribute exactly half of all the efforts in my relationships, in order for it to work. it’s tiring to operate with that focus. God carries me when He needs to and other times, He releases me to walk, run or fly with all of His joy and power that I can contain. I mean, I keep sinning and falling short of expectations, real and imaginary, right and left, set by others or myself. but guess what? with that perspective, of course it’s easy to get down on myself and attempt to keep score with Him. with God, i need to focus on our intimacy and our communication so that my relationships of flesh and blood will follow suit. out of these revelations, the Lord is speaking to me about a renewed understanding of freedom. Not momentary relief, but an enduring windfall of freedom from judgment. His love wins. Your sin and my sin is no longer relevant through the sacrifice of His Son, Jesus. For me, to continue struggling with my fears and doubts and insecurities is hard work. But the Lord wants me to give all that up, because “His yolk is easy and His burden is light.” period.
the knowledge of God’s Love is set on course from my head to my heart.
that’s makes me free indeed.
