I’m tired. We have been worshipping to the same songs all week, and I turn to my new friend next to me to ask her, “Is it bad that I dont feel like worshipping anymore?”. She seemed kind of surprised, so I explained that what I really wanted to do was go read my bible. My heart needed His word – it wasn’t postured to worship with killer dance moves like the people in the front or even to put my hands up. I wanted to be in His presence. It had been something I had been craving for awhile. See, I had felt like my relationship with the Lord was neither in the valley, nor on the mountain top. I was on the plateau between the two. I’ve tasted and seen of the greatest of loves, and I didnt care if I was at the top or the bottom of this mountain, as long as I got off this plateau.
So I stand here, singing the songs, praying and laying my faith at His feet – not feeling far away from the Lord, but not necessarily intimate with Him. At the end of worship, I dont really feel differently than I did at the beginning. It’s frustrating and trying.
I so desperately desired to be returned to the joy of my salvation, and that was my prayer.
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I’m frustrated. I have been struggling with my glaring pride and selfishness for months now. Ugh, it’s so ugly. How many times am I going to have to pray for the Lord to cleanse it from me? How many times am I going to ask Him to break me, before He actually does? I don’t like the ugly in my heart.
Surprise, we’re back worshipping again… to the same songs… and my prideful heart is definitely not surrendered to worshipping and neither are my thoughts. My conscious is begging with my mind to eradicate these thoughts and focus on the Lord, but I. Just. Can’t. Stop. Thinking.
“Hold up! I want to stop us from singing these words with an empty heart. Do you know what you’re saying here?”
Some guy that I don’t know has jumped on the stage and is passionately calling each person in the room to wake up! God is in the room, and if we want Him we can have Him. He’s knocking on the door. OPEN IT! Dance in His presence. We are children of the Almighty and creator of Heaven and Earth. So worship like it!
Welp, if that wasn’t a wake up call to press in, I’m not really sure what is. So I start to listen to the lyrics as my mouth sings them out.
“You’re a good, good Father. It’s who you are. It’s who you are. It’s who you are, and I am loved by you. It’s who I am. It’s who I am. It’s who I am.”
My arms raise and I’m standing completely still as my ugliness stares me in the face, but becomes shadowed by His goodness. I am reminded of Philippians 1:6 “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.”
And the gospel hits me. Not in the same way it did over a year ago when I first saw God’s steadfast love, faithfulness and sacrifice. That will forever be special and unique. But this time, He reminded me that even though my pride and selfishness is ugly )and that I know better than to be that way), He died for that too. And He also is going to finish the good work He’s already started in my heart.
I begin to weep silently, eventually hitting my knees in the middle of a room where people are worshipping in many different ways (jumping up and down, hands raised, dancing). The tears are not of sadness. They aren’t because my sin is so heavy that I can’t be forgiven. I’m not crying for forgiveness, I’m crying because I AM forgiven, because I have a good, good Father and no matter how ugly my heart is, I am loved by Him.
I am no longer on the plateau. I’m not at the mountaintop. I’m not at the bottom. I’m in His presence.
…and I actually really like these songs.
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Training camp was a challenge for me for many reasons. One, I have walked through a lot of the brunt from my past brokenness. He has brought healing continually in milestone moments. Training camp really targeted those who had not faced those hard things, so that all were prepared before being sent out into the field. I went into camp really wanting to just dig in and learn how I was going to be serving, showing His love and sharing the gospel with the nations. Two, I felt like I had to constantly be discerning and that was tiring. Three, it was just physically uncomfortable. So, I’ll start there with my 11 take aways from camp:
1. It is easy to be serving and selfless when living comfortably. However, when comfort is taken away, those things that I would normally do to love and care for others without thought, become something I have to choose to do. This was surprising to me because I thought that stuff came second nature to me all of the time. (Joke’s on me, yes, even I can be selfish. Gasp!)
2. My relationship status is not the basis for my relationship with the Lord. Even though I have had huge strongholds in that area, when I gave that to Christ, He took care of it. I am no longer bound or defined by those things and neither is my relationship with the Lord because of what HE did and continues to do. There is freedom in all areas when it’s submitted to the Lord.
3. I need a watch. Period.
4. God doesn’t care whether my hands are raised, I’m dancing, being still or crying in worship. Just because someone tells me to do/try something that works for them, doesn’t mean it’s going to work for me. Stop comparing, and worship the way God made me to in that moment, whatever way that is. Even if it’s just being still and knowing He is God.
5. When your bucket shower is colder than the sub 50 degree temperature outside, sub 50 degree temps feel warm when finished.
6. The Lord answers when you get to the end of your rope, and sometimes in really crazy ways. On the bus ride home, I was feeling incredibly depressed and emotionally tired for some reason. I began praying for the Lord to just show up somehow for His glory. I prayed for Him to give me more faith, and more of His Spirit. I was extremely defeated.That is until 3 syllables crossed my mind. “Oslaven”, uh is that just my own thoughts? I had an urge to see if that actually meant anything so I looked it up on the internet. Lo and behold, It means glorified in Czech. Whoa, that’s never happened to me before. Not only did the Lord give me a word once I got to the end of my rope and was begging for Him, but He gave it in Czech (which is a story in itself) AND it was the word glorified which means a lot (another story). God is so good!
7. Coffee is a very nice luxury, but is actually not a staple in a diet. Actually, the amont of food we eat isn’t necessary either.
8. Running in new Chacos will give massive blisters on the bottoms of your feet. Don’t do it.
9. People are not always going to respond or be considerate in the same way I would, but that shouldn’t distract or take away from the reason I’m there. I’m there to bring the gospel to the nations and to show His redeeming love. Don’t let the enemy use other circumstances to deter you from that.
10. Sometimes, 5 layers of clothing is just not enough, but a new friend doesn’t mind snuggling for warmth.
11. I head back to Atlanta January 7th for Launch! Woohoo!
