Part 1: lies.
The cords wrap themselves around my heart, curling and twisting until the trap is complete. It happens so swiftly, so stealthily that I am unaware until the noose is tightened and my breath catches. Choking and gasping for air, I briefly claw for release, but it is an all-too-familiar feeling. My resistance is weak and my resolve for freedom even weaker, for my fear of failure is wholly entwined within me.
Wholly entwined—I writhe underneath it, yet I also sickeningly embrace it, for it has so long been a part of me that to live without its influence seems unfathomable.
It taints everything I do.
I base my life upon standards. And I live to achieve them. If I do not, I am a failure in my eyes.
It has been ingrained within me to be a success. Striving for excellence is a beautiful, Godly action (2 Cor. 13:11). Yet, it has been twisted and distorted in my head.
It has become how I define my worth and every time I do not achieve what I, and others, deem success, the strangling cords tighten, reminding me, “I am a failure.”
I am a failure. I let people down. In my brain, the jump between the two statements is instantaneous. My thoughts tell me I did not properly tend to what those around me invested in me (time, money, attention, etc…). I did not give them return on investment— which is what they wanted—and what I wanted, for I longed to make them happy, to have them be pleased with me.
Return on investment—what I believe everyone wants from me. Life is about what I give and what I do with what people have invested in me. I am judged by people. And so, I judge myself. I judge myself so that I can reach for perfection. Because a perfect Chelsey will not let anyone down. A perfect Chelsey is a perfect, high return on investment for anyone who has cared to invest in me.
For years, the above has been my mission statement on life.
It manifests in a myriad of ways. It is why I have complete, emotional breakdowns when I do not instantly “get something.” It is why I often feel as if I do not measure up – that I am a weak link. It is why I have been living to perform.
Because, to me, perfection equals high return on investment, which equals people being happy with me which equals acceptance. Failure is ruin. Complete devastation. Failure means people see through the illusion and walk away. It means I let people down. It means unworthy, not good enough, a waste.
Part 2: awakening.
Unaware, I have walked through life in bondage to these lies. Their weight has seemed abnormally normal. But, we were not made to live in bondage. We were meant to run in freedom.
The moment I was granted awareness came unexpectedly. It was just another day in steamy Asia. It was just another joking flow of conversation. It was just another statement, intended for a laugh. “Oh, I don’t cook. I’m too scared.”
A casual statement, masking the fear of failure deeply embedded within me.
Oddly, those words left a heavy space. And, with the gentle, yet firm urging of my dear friend Julie, I began an investigation into the realms of my heart.
The investigation lasted about five lined journal pages and an entire team time devoted to my tears. It was a quick unveiling. The lies were not hiding. They had just become a part of me—a parasite with me as the host. Surreptitiously, they had seeped my joy, my freedom, my truth from my very being. Now, with eyes opened to their destructive nature, it was quite easy to discern their tangling cords.
I was aware. I was awakened.
What was I to do?
To be continued in [Part 2]
