I have to share something that is not easy for me to say nor is it easy for me to process. My heart hurts for the goodbyes. I had this expectation that leaving one country to travel to the next would be easy. I’m embarrassed to say that I looked at it as just one country that I could check off my list. I was so consumed about the goodbyes that I had leaving the US, that I didn’t even stop to think about the goodbyes I would have throughout my entire race. They didn’t even cross my mind, and if they had, I didn’t think they would be difficult. Well I was wrong. I am 2 days away from leaving Novi Sad, Serbia, and my heart aches for the goodbyes to come. The people I have gotten to know are incredible human beings. The Lord has used all of them, whether believer or not, to grow me in so many ways. I have witnessed and experienced God’s love poured out of these people, and it is a beautiful sight. So of course, my heart aches to leave.
I have never had to face goodbyes like the ones I will face after every single month this year. When I parted with people from the States, I knew that I would see them again, that after a year, I would have a homecoming with people waiting to hear about my experiences. The reality of these World Race goodbyes, however, is that I may not see these people ever again. I would love to say that I will be able to reunite with some of them in each country later on in life, but it isn’t realistic. I hate typing those words because I don’t want them to be true.
So where do I go from here? I was talking with some teammates, and we were sharing our concerns about this because we all are feeling a similar way. I am nervous that a few months down the road, my heart won’t be able to take the constant break, so I will naturally disconnect myself from the people around me. Will I keep making myself available to opening up to new people every month? I am nervous that I won’t want to start new friendships if it is inevitable that I will leave shortly after. I will want to protect my heart by not allowing it to feel in the first place. Man, the Devil would love that.
Wow. Time out. Just as I was writing this, I realized how selfish this whole thing sounds. I might be “protecting” my heart by disconnecting, but am I protecting those around me? The answer is no. What about the hearts that don’t know Christ? What about the hearts that are so thirsty to be fulfilled but are seeking it in all the wrong places? What if my story can be a vessel to those people? What if my heart, as broken as it is, can lead people to the only One that can heal? I am doing others a disservice by not opening myself up to the possibility of hurt. Yes, the goodbyes are so incredibly difficult, but knowing that I will see them again in Heaven will be well worth the temporary heartbreak. Because heartbreaks yearn for a Healer.
So I am asking for your prayers. Prayers that I will not remove myself emotionally from those I come into contact with. That I will be strong enough to open up, knowing that the goodbye is inevitable. “Convinced of this, I know I will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith.” Philippians 1:25
