The other day I was just thinking about sin. Wow. Reread that first sentence. Do you see it? I use “just” like sin is no big deal. I use “just” because my mind is desensitized to it. Like it doesn’t hold much weight. Rereading that first sentence, I noticed a perfect example of how my view of sin is all wrong. I view it like it doesn’t happen that often. I view it like it doesn’t really affect me.
But in all actuality, it does. In all actuality, it happens all the freaking time. In all actuality, it holds a ton of weight. It is a HUGE deal.
So I’m going to tell you about a sin that I committed because the Bible tells us to “confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed” (James 5:16).
The sin started much before those drinks hit my mouth. I had spent the first 5 or so months on the race wishing that there was not a two drink limit on the race. And honestly, I don’t know why. It could have been that I didn’t like that I had a rule stopping me from drinking what I wanted. It could have been that I didn’t like that I couldn’t be trusted with more. All I knew was that I wanted to drink more. You see, I had never been drunk before. I have always had the self-control to stop drinking when my body and mind had enough. But when I began the race, I started wondering what it would be like to let go and let myself feel the alcohol. What would it be like to drink past the buzz? I wanted to know. That was the first sin. The sin that was in my desires. It was in my frustration that I couldn’t drink more in order to get the buzz. Yes, I was upholding what I committed to, but I so wanted more and that’s what sin is. It’s taking what you’ve been given and twisting it into a curse. I had taken the two drink limit that was set to protect me and to protect those around me, and I had twisted it into a curse all because I wanted to know what it felt like to have more.
As a squad at month 6 debrief in Cambodia, we all went out for margaritas and tacos at a local place. I took the first sip, and I knew that the margarita was much stronger than usual. So I drank it, and when it was gone, I ignored the buzz and ordered a second.
The next thing I knew, I wasn’t able to control my body. I had never felt anything like it. I was drunk for the first time in my life. I was drunk on a mission trip. The two drink limit didn’t protect me like it normally had. I blew it. My sin won. As much as I was apologizing to my squadmates in the moment for my behavior, I was actually 100% loving it. It was fun. I enjoyed the feeling. See what I mean about being desensitized to sin? I sinned, and I didn’t even care. I sinned, and I was excited about it.
The next day, I woke up and immediately was overwhelmed with shame and guilt. That shame led me straight into repentance. I prayed that the Lord would forgive me because I had sinned against Him. And you know what happened? He forgave me. He reminded me that He loved me anyway regardless of what I had done. Regardless that I had strayed. It was that simple.
Now I don’t want you to mix up what I’m saying when it comes to sin. It was simple to ask and receive forgiveness but getting to that point was not easy. You know how I said that sin is a HUGE deal? Well, my sin is such a HUGE deal that it completely separated me from God. Isaiah 59: 2 says, “but your iniquities have made a separation between you and your God, and your sins have hidden his face from you so that he does not hear.” I mean my sin actually prevents me from being with God. It is the sole reason that God turns his face from me. That’s really scary to think about.
And you know how I said that sin holds a ton of weight? Well it does, and you know who held that weight? Jesus. He held all of the weight of my sin on that cross. My sin, the thing that I don’t give enough credit, literally killed Jesus. He was given a crown of thorns and was hung on a cross to suffocate because of my sin. I no longer am separated from God because my sin was paid by the One man who knew no sin. “The Lord laid on him the iniquity of us all” (Is. 53:6). Jesus dying on the cross and suffering the most painful death was not easy, but He made it so that we may receive the simple forgiveness that God promised.
I tell you this story of my sin because my sin needs to be confessed. Honestly, this story was super vulnerable for me because quite frankly, I was/am very embarrassed. It wasn’t easy to type out my sin. But I 100% believe that sin should never be hidden. The thing about sin is it makes us embarrassed. It makes us ashamed. So we naturally push it deeper and deeper down so no one is around to see it. I’m going to ask you some hard questions.
How’s that working out for you? Does it work to push the sin down deeper? Are you finding healing from your struggles this way?
If what you’ve been doing isn’t working, then I am going to ask you an even harder question.
Will you bring your sin and struggles to the surface and confess them?
Confess them to those around you so that they can surround you in prayer of healing. “Repent for the Kingdom of heaven is near” (Matt. 3:2). Repent to the Lord because He WANTS to forgive you. He loves you so freaking much. Will you please believe that? There is nothing that you could have ever done that would ever take that love away from you. Yes, your sin is great and it holds a ton of weight, but Jesus already died for it. And as He was breathing His last breath, He thought of you when He spoke, “IT. IS. FINISHED.”
To you reading this, you are loved. Forever and always. You were worth dying for. “Go, and from now on sin no more.” (John 8:11)
