For so long, when I looked at myself, I didn’t see what God sees. I knew what He said in His Word, but so often I struggled to believe it for myself. I saw myself as average; when asked what I’m good at, I had no answer. I even had to stop and think when asked what I enjoy doing. I compared myself to others, and I never measured up. I was never as good at things as the people around me. Because of feeling like I was not good at anything, I limited myself. I wouldn’t do certain activities because other people were better at them than me, but instead of admitting that, I just made excuses.
The other side of this struggle was how I viewed my personality. For those of you who know me, you know that I am a shy, quiet person. I am not particularly outgoing or loud; I for sure am not the life of the party or a social butterfly. I am introverted, and I need to have alone time. I prefer being in smaller groups. It takes a while to get to know me. These are facts about me. And they are facts that I always kind of hated. I have spent much of my life questioning God about why He created me the way He did. I have prayed that I would be different and more like the people around me. I saw my quietness as something that was bad and as something that hindered me from fitting in and being worth loving and getting to know. The enemy told me that being this way was wrong. The world told me that being this way wasn’t as acceptable as being loud and crazy. I told myself that being this way meant that I wouldn’t have many lasting friendships, that I wouldn’t be successful in my career, and that I would never find a husband. To me, being quiet and introverted made me lesser and invisible to everyone around me.
I realized at training camp that I am free from shame and insecurity and fear. Even when it doesn’t feel like it, and even when the enemy tells me I’m not. *Read about that realization here.* But feeling that freedom was short-lived, unfortunately.
I had talked with our squad leader about some of this way back at training camp. Later in Guatemala (month 2), we were having a conversation, and she asked me what I thought the benefits of being an introvert and someone with a more melancholy disposition were and what my purpose was in those. My answer at that point was that I knew there were benefits of being that type of person, and I was kind of starting to see some of those, but honestly I didn’t really know.
At our Leadership Development Weekend at the end of our time in Guatemala, one thing we did was split into groups of 3, and we had a time where we prayed for each other and shared with each other what God was told us. After praying for me, one of my squadmates told me that God showed him a picture of a table, and on that table were a megaphone (represented a loud voice), a feather (represented gentleness), and a Bible (represented using Scripture). God said that all three of those were important, but that gentleness was the most important of the three. When he told me this, I thought it was very fitting, because I had been discovering what it was like to use my voice in confidence and boldness instead of hiding my thoughts and feelings. I didn’t really give much thought to gentleness at that time.
In Honduras (month 3), we had a Journey Marker called “Calling.” Journey Markers are something we have to do each week. They often have a lesson about Jesus and follow-up questions. We discuss the answers with our team and post them for our leadership team to read. The summary said, “God’s people are called to play an active role in the Kingdom in every arena of life — and we can discover our unique role as we marry our passion with our talent and hard work. Jesus lives this out by pressing into the pain that is present all around him. We too are called to answer the needs of our world by responding to this pain with profound love. And it is here, at this intersection, that we discover our life’s calling.” It asked several questions at the end, two of which were easy for me to answer. These were questions about needs I see in the world and things I am passionate about. The third question read, “Your Skills: What are your gifts? Where do you excel?” I thought of one answer. Just one. My response was that I’m a good listener. Honestly, that was something I had only recently viewed as truth after a teammate gave me the feedback that I’m a good listener and a safe person to talk to. I wracked my brain for other answers, and everything I came up with I quickly shot down. Things I thought may be gifts, I dismissed because every thing I thought of was followed by someone I saw as better at it than I was.
We discussed the answers with our team, and I jumped right into vulnerability in admitting that I could only think of one answer. (Side note: this was a huge step for me and a testament to the growth I had experienced) What followed next, is something that I will never forget. Each person said several things (gifts, skills, etc.) they had seen in me the past three months. Here is what they said: I give the love that I have received from Christ to other people; I sit with kids who are sitting alone; I play in the dirt with the kids who don’t want to participate in group activities; I don’t want others to be left out; I have a calming presence, a welcoming aura, and an inviting spirit; others (the people who are standing on the sidelines) can relate to me and I can relate to them due to things I have struggled with in life; I have a personality that doesn’t overwhelm the person I’m around; I get on the level of the person I’m interacting with; I am drawn to and have a heart for “the least of these.” I had one answer and my teammates had more than 11. I was shocked and grateful and confused all at once.
The next day, I sat down by myself to process. Here’s what I wrote in my journal:
“The gifts people noticed in me were so unexpected, but were so perfect in confirming questions I’ve had about why God created me the way He did and why I’ve had certain struggles in my life. I wasn’t in the popular crowd for a reason. I’m quiet for a reason. I like crafts for a reason. I deal with anxiety and depression for a reason. There is a purpose behind each and every thing I’ve experienced and struggled with. There is a purpose behind the way God created me and the personality and demeanor He chose to give me. I am a good listener. I can relate to others who have dealt with similar things as me. I am easy to approach. I am calming. I am safe.”
Before the Race, I did believe I was created with a purpose and that my struggles were not in vain. Jeremiah 29:11, about God having plans for us, has always been a favorite verse of mine, and I knew that it was true. I had the head knowledge. But, it wasn’t until that moment in our room in Honduras that that knowledge went from my head to my heart and truly clicked.
It wasn’t until that moment that I could confidently say that I was made for a purpose, a specific purpose orchestrated throughout my life by God before I was even born.
***Stay tuned for part 2, where I will dive deeper into what God has been showing me about this purpose and dreams He is placing on my heart.***
