This blog is LONG overdue. I just haven’t wanted to write it. Every time I’ve heard fellow World Racers say “Man, I just don’t know what to write about. How are you finding inspiration for your blogs?” I thought it was strange simply because I thought “What is God teaching you? Write about that.” Seemed so simple. But, the tables turned. I now found myself thinking “What am I going to blog about? What are you teaching me? Where am I?” And, I realized, that I have not been close with Father. I haven’t been pressing in, listening for His voice teaching me and guiding me. I haven’t wanted to.
Since a few weeks past training camp my heart has just been in a funk. There was something just couldn’t quite put my finger on, something was unsettled in my heart, keeping me distant from reality and my relationship with Abba. When I get in places like that I often brainstorm questions with the Holy Spirit as I try to separate His voice from the others (no, not voices in my head, though some may think so!) But, to distinguish His voice of truth that speaks in waves of love to my weary heart; sorting it from the voice of the enemy who calls me by sin and not by name, or the voice of the world that speaks with time crunches, pressures, and distractions, and my own voice that focuses on selfish ambition. I will often ask Him questions like “What it is that I really want/need? What are you showing me here? Where is the deeper issue that goes under the surface level? What do you say about me/this situation?”. That is what I usually do. He is always faithful to reveal the deeper truth in gentle love, affirming that He is good and He has a better plan that what I can see or understand. My faith increases and I continue on the journey learning from Him and becoming more like Him. But, recently I just haven’t wanted to ask Him those questions, I’ve been distant. I have watched more Gilmore Girls on Netflix than what I’d like to admit, spending more and more time on Facebook and social media, gradually giving more of my time to the “easy fixes” and coping mechanisms to distract myself, rather than to pay any real attention to what was going on with my heart.
Then, one day driving in the car He spoke clearly to me. I wasn’t praying, listening to Christian music, or having a spiritually deep conversation with my mom. I was just driving and listening to an old rock band I’ve listened to for years and jammin. Then, one of the songs that I’ve heard a hundred times came on and the Holy Spirit used the lyrics of that song to drop His truth into my Spirit. The lyrics were “you numb yourself from any real pain.” And I heard the Holy Spirit say, “That’s it.” And I knew instantly that my heart wasn’t distant but I had numbed it.
The World Race is easy to romanticize, it’s easy to see all the adventure, world travel, new and exciting experiences. But there’s a painful truth too. I’m leaving my family, the ones I love most, who get me and accept me fully, and I’ll be living with new people who don’t know me yet. I’m leaving everything I’ve known and I’m stepping into the unknown where things are scary and uncomfortable. I won’t have ranch dressing for a year. (you Southerners know that pain is real). But, it was like the Holy Spirit showed me the key to unlock the door that I had secured around my heart to cope with the realities of what going on the World Race means.
Later that week I was thinking about what He had spoken to me in the car on my drive home. I was brainstorming through questions and asking the Holy Spirit, like I usually do. And He gave me another piece to the puzzle of my scattered heart. He told me that I had been looking at myself instead of at Jesus.
Myself Says:
I’m scared.
I’m not prepared.
I don’t know what I’m doing.
I’m not equipped for this.
I’m not enough.
How am I going to do this?
PANIC.
Jesus Says:
Don’t be afraid, I’m with you.
I’m always prepared.
I’ve got a plan.
I am more than enough.
I’m all you’ll ever need.
REST
I got so distracted by all that I was not, that I couldn’t see that He is everything I need. He is more than enough. He is equipped and He’s got me. Focusing on all of my inadequacies instead of Him put me on lock down mode. I was forced to face the pain of leaving my family for a year, I was overwhelmed with fear seeing all of my inadequacies in being a team leader. I distanced myself from Him, instead of pressing into Him.
Around that time, our squad parents posted a video on our Facebook page that challenged and encouraged us get with Father and ask Him about what we were dealing with and then to pray for a scripture that would speak to that. The scripture He showed me was Matthew 14:28-31, when Peter walked on the water with Jesus. “‘Yes, come.’ Jesus said. So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. ‘Save me, Lord!’ he shouted. Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. ‘ You have so little faith,’ Jesus said. ‘Why did you doubt me?’”
As long as Peter’s eyes remained on Jesus he was walking on the water, it wasn’t until he looked away from Him, focuses on the wind and waves, that he became terrified and began to sink. I want my eyes to remain on Jesus. I don’t want to focus on the waves (fear) and wind (all that I’m not). Then, the most beautiful part of the whole story, Jesus was there when Peter sank. He still saved Him. In His great love and goodness, Jesus reached down and pulled me out from under the waves and wind. He has turned my eyes to Himself and in Him I find peace, acceptance, rest, and every good thing rooted in love.
So, where are you looking? Are you so distracted by the wind and waves that you’ve lost site of Jesus and you feel like your sinking. His grace is sufficient for you, He has all you need. Too often my eyes still look to myself, but in His great goodness and love He saves me and reminds me that He is enough, He is all I need. So, I’m stepping out of the boat and I’m asking Jesus to remind me to keep my eyes on Him. The waves and winds still know His name.
“Peter walked on the water but feared the wind: such is human nature, often achieving great things, and at fault in the little things.” -Bruce
Let’s keeping walking on the water toward Jesus,
Chelsea
