A week ago today, I boarded an
emotional,
spiritual,
intellectual
roller-coaster concerning the World Race.
Let me back up and explain why.
Ever since I met with the missions coordinator of my church back in July, I haven't felt the same confidence in God's calling for me to go on The World Race. And the more I've learned in my class "Perspectives on the World Christian Movement" the more uncertain I've become on what it looks like to be a missionary.
Two thoughts have floated around in the back on my mind:
1) That The World Race is "more of an internal experience," so therefore it is selfish.
2) That spending one month in one location and then ripping ourselves of all established relationships seems counterproductive to the expansion of the kingdom and creating disciples.
Yet, I kept powering onward. I figured that the closer I got to The World Race, the more money I raised, the more sure I would be that this is God's calling for my life right now.
But then last Monday happened.
Out of the 65 members of my squad (those of us going on the same route & leaving in January) I had formed a personal friendship with one. Last Monday, Garrett bowed out of the World Race.
This guy also happens to be taking the Perspectives class in Minnesota. And what was even more of a reality check was the reason he decided to drop out. He said he has been called to a "longer term in one country kind of deal."
When I shared with him my #2 struggle above, he shared that he felt the same way.
It felt like the table cloth had been ripped out beneath the beautifully arranged tabletop, and everything came crashing down.
I realized that Garrett had been my crutch, and instead of confronting God with my concerns, I had been using him to keep me afloat.
Monday was not a good day. But Tuesday was quite different.
Bright and early Tuesday morning I had a meeting with Rod, the pastor of my church. After sharing my concerns about the World Race with him, I told him that unless something changed, I couldn't go. He encouraged me to drop my plans for the day, and spend the day in prayer.
He prayed that God would use the next 24 hours to reveal His heart for me concerning The World Race.
And oh, God is so incredibly faithful.
I spent a good majority of the day at John Ball Park. It was an absolutely beautiful fall afternoon. I journaled, prayed, read a book, climbed an oak tree, and did all three all over again. I also had conversations with some wonderful people God has blessed me with.
One of those people is my mobilizer at The World Race, Erin.
She told me that The World Race is a two-fold mission.
Yes, in one aspect, it is inwardly-focused.
Being pulled from everything and everyone I've ever known will cause me to rely on God in a whole new way.
Seeing the realities and devastation that affects people around the world will do wonders to my heart.
And living in close community with 6 other people will cause me to see some of the more subtle (or even un-subtle) sins in my life and bring them before God.
And when I return from this 11-month crazy adventure, or even along the way, through God's grace I will become better equipped to truthfully carry Christ's love and hope to others.
But this won't happen by sitting on a mountaintop meditating.
I will be serving 11 ministries, in 11 communities, in 11 countries. And perhaps I won't create lifelong relationships with a young woman from India, or an old man from Guatemala. [But perhaps I will!]
The bottom line is that I will be serving the Lord God, and He will work through me for the world.
For we are the aroma of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing.
-2 Corinthians 2:15
In journaling, I discovered that the most turmoil I faced was over bringing God the most glory during this next year of my life.
What I realized, and what one of the amazing things about God is,
He
uses
everything
for His glory.
And if he can take our deepest, darkest mistakes, and bring glory to Himself through those things, how much more can He and will He bring glory to Himself through those things intentionally designed to do so.
It's ironic, because a couple weeks ago I wrote a brief blog entry and shared this verse:
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
-Romans 8:28
This speaks so much to my heart, and to the conclusion I've come to after seeking His heart. But at that time, it just sounded nice. As much as I don't want to admit it, I'm not sure how much I believed it.
So it is through this truth that I have decided to fervently press on.
So this roller-coaster.
I felt nauseous at times and contemplated using a parachute to get the heck off. However, God has taught me so much, and I'm so happy that I was forced into the seat and strapped in.
But something tells me there are a few more twists and turns up ahead.
