As my state of weirdness continues, my mind has started to wonder what God wanted next for me. I saw a lot of fellow S-squaders running in all sorts of different directions and I was not sure what to think about any of it. Life seemed real again, like the last 11 months was some sort of alternate state of being. I was trying to see how on earth I fit into this great mysterious puzzle that God has pre-fit together and I was really afraid of what He might say. I seemed pretty determined to get my heart for Los Angeles on the move and really start onto what I assumed was His plan, but, of course, I was dead wrong.
Two weeks after returning home we had the Awakening Conference at the Adventures in Missions base in Georgia. All of us who could make it to this blessed event were so excited to see one another again and spend time as an almost whole squad from our very brief time of separation. There were several speakers, an incredible band (http://www.aplacefortheheart.org), chilly foothill weather and an all around good time. Things seemed pretty fantastic from my angle but I did have something else to look forward to after all the festivities.
I had previously signed up for a week called ‘Searchlight’ by the relatively new program Kingdom Dreams that would follow up the Awakening (I’m there now, what!?). A lot of my friends and fellow squad mates were sent a lot of info about this opportunity the organization had been preparing for several months prior to our arrival that would give us the tools and spiritual guidance we needed to get our dreams rolling into reality. I knew God was going to shed some serious light on my life, so I laid down some expectations that I did not consult with anyone other than myself.
My thoughts seemed to dance around the idea that I had things all figured out and God was just going to follow me around. After I started to feel quite a big heaviness on my spirit, God made me realize that I completely disregarded the trust of our relationship with one another and I had started going my own way. I thought that it was time to take big steps and do what I thought I wanted but He rescued me from my mistake. I thought I knew everything but in reality I knew little to nothing.
If God hadn’t woken me up out of my own dream about my dream, I would have continued to disparage Him. He hit me hard with a serious ‘duh’ moment – I can’t do anything and only He can give me everything… my relationship with His son must be grounded before I can do anything for Him. If I continued running around on my own, it’s almost like I could have been skinny dipping in a shark tank, thinking I could possibly make the right choices, and by some self made miracle I would not get eaten. Nothing is up to me and my capabilities- everything is up to the trust He grants me with and the love He pours out on me. He had grace on me and always will, no matter how many times I screw up. He already forgave me? What? Do you believe that you have already been forgiven? Do you believe God loves you that much?
