The cry of my heart is for healing. It always has been. I’ve just never known what that looked like.
The past week has been a struggle. I’ve been hurting. It got to the point where I didn’t bother to put in contacts because I knew they’d probably just wash away haha. The pain emanates from a broken heart being in community with other people…
If you had asked me a month ago if my heart was hurting, I would have said no. Because it wasn’t haha. It actually wasn’t feeling much of anything . But as I have asked God to take me deeper into His Presence, there has always been this little part of me that's like, “no. that's ok. that’s scary. lets not go any deeper.”
At first I tried to ignore it. Then I got angry at it. Then I asked God what it was. And He showed me. That the little voice that protests intimacy with God is pieces of my broken heart crying out in fear and longing to be healed.
I was hurt so badly in the past that I made myself incredibly independent as a coping mechanism. I thought that if I didn’t get close to anyone, I couldn’t be hurt by anyone. But this was super lonely and my heart longed for deep relationships.
Now I’m choosing to be vulnerable and let people get close, and past wounds are being triggered, like lemon juice seeping into torn skin. Being independent just covered the pain up, it didn’t heal the wounds, and they’ve been festering. Some for a very, very long time haha.
Time doesn’t heal all wounds, it just buries the pain so that we don’t feel it all the time. The pain comes when something pokes at our wounded hearts and makes the injury bigger and more painful. I believe that only God can heal us and make our hearts whole again. It’s what Jesus came to die for!
The Bible says that faith without works is dead. One speaker said it this way: faith always manifests.
Manifest is defined by thefreedictionary.com as: clearly apparent to the sight or understanding; obvious.
What I put my faith in is going to manifest in my life. If I put my faith in the Holy Spirit and the Gospel of Jesus Christ, I get the fruit of the Spirit which are joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, righteousness and a lot of other good and beautiful things!
But if I place my faith in a lie, then that lie will bear fruit in my life as well. For instance, rejection, insecurity, worthlessness, fear, comparison, jealousy etc. (things that are not from God).
The manifestations of faith are like fruit on a tree. You can cut fruit off a tree but it will quickly grow back because the tree is still alive. You can’t kill a tree by picking off it’s fruit haha. You need to destroy the roots!
So when I feel rejection again and again, and I know that rejection does not come from the Holy Spirit, I know it is fruit from something else. Something that doesn’t belong inside a child of God!
God is taking me back (as far as elementary school and earlier) and healing my heart, removing roots of destruction that have grown deep in my life. In their place, He declares identity, dignity, strength, and His love! It’s painful because I’m revisiting a lot of memories I’ve buried deep and tried to forget. The result is inner healing that is so indescribable. Each encounter, every touch of His Presence sets me free to truly live, not just to cope and numb my heart till I just cant feel anymore. Does that make sense?
It’s still really new to me, but I am more free than I have ever been in my whole life and I know that greater freedom is coming every day I spend with God! He is the Truth and the more I know Him, the more the lies of satan have no affect on me.
Be blessed my friends! God is love and in Him there is no darkness at all.
Love always,
~Chelle
