Have you ever had someone tell you things about your life before they’ve happened, only to watch them come to pass?
I have.
But that’s just my God for you. Making everything naturally supernatural. 🙂
I’ve been running from community for a very very long time.
Genuine community involves intimacy and intimacy is a fearful thing. Intimacy, for me, has carried a lot of rejection, abandonment, and heartbreak. I’ve believed the lie that the risks outweigh the blessings. It’s manifested in isolation and independence. And I’m tired of it.
When I was 11 or 12, my home church split in two. The youth community I’d grown up in suddenly dissolved into just me. While my parents searched for a new church, I went to a friends church- for stability I guess, but I never felt like I fit in. In the split, the enemy of my soul planted a seed amidst a child’s trauma: the fear of commitment. Why would I invest my heart in something or someone when there was no guarantee it would last?
So throughout high school I went to my parents church and I was blessed by the people I met there. However, once I went to college, I couldn’t find the courage to fully invest in a group of people and I didn’t know why. I felt the conviction (or maybe longing?) to commit time and again, but I’d just shrug it off, jump from church to church and justify it with excuses. “I don’t have a car,” “I don’t like the music,” “I don’t feel connected there,” “I’d rather sleep in…” The list could go on and on!
Since moving to Annapolis I’ve felt the Lords call on my heart to go to a church called Redemption House. And I have been running from it. But I know it’s where I need to be.
2 years ago I was at a block party run by the Redemption House community, when all of a sudden a total stranger came up to me, took my hand and said, “we’re going to be seeing more of you.” And that was it. She smiled, gave me a hug and we parted ways. Not going to lie, it freaked me out a little. (actually a lot haha!) But sure enough a few months later I went to another friend’s little church (on the other side of Maryland) to see Todd White speak, and half the seats were filled with people I’d met at the block party! That was the night I began to wonder at the woman’s words.
When my friend Sam (who went with me to the block party) invited me to Redemption House almost a year later I jumped at the chance. We went and it was a beautiful service, lasting almost 4 hours from 2:30 till 6pm! I saw the love of God bring a young girl to the floor in tears as chains of rejection were broken off of her. I saw freedom in worship like I’d never seen before. I heard God confirm things in my heart through the sermon that I had never heard spoken about before: Things about demonic deliverance that I had been asking God about. I was an RA and I’d recently had a resident come to my door at 4am one morning to tell me there was a demon possessed boy in her room! I told God I needed help if things like that were going to happen haha. And He answered loud and clear.
Fast forward another year to the present. When I moved to Annapolis, I knew that Redemption House was right next door in Arnold, but I decided to go to church with my host family instead. We all piled in the car that first Sunday and drove to their church, which to my astonishment met in the same building as the Redemption House congregation! By the time I moved again in August, it didn’t surprise me at all to learn that my new host family were members of the church.
So this past Sunday I went again. I’d been before (several times actually), but this time I didn’t hide in the background. This time I didn’t arrive late or leave early. Quite the contrary. But I’ll share that in Part 2 of this Post (stay tuned!) 🙂
I’m tired of running. I’m ready for intimacy itself to be redeemed by God. I’m ready to experience the love of people again. To know and be known. And above all, to know God even as He already knows me.
It is scary as anything for me. But God created me for intimacy~ with Him and with people. Humanity longs for it; body, soul and spirit. So I’m opening up my heart. And trusting people again. And trusting God more. Thanks for joining me on my journey 🙂
God bless you my friends! Part 2 of this post is coming soon (to a theater near you hehe, just kidding) [titled: Out of Control] 🙂
Love ~ Chelle
