“I cannot miss this bus…” I thought as I stepped off and unhitched my bike from the front of the bus.
I’d left my phone on some counter or another and the bus was plan A and B to get home from church that day. The last one left the stop right at 6pm, and if I missed it, I’d be stranded, with a borrowed bike; and aint nobody got time for that.
After double checking the location of the bus stop, I rode my bike the rest of the way to church and after 15 minutes found myself sitting in the parking lot with a chest full of butterflies. It was only 2:15 and I was early. Normally I would have waited until the worship started and I could slip in unnoticed, but this time I applied my chapstick two times too many and prepared to walk through the doors of Redemption House. My heartbeat pounded in my eardrums as I asked God why I was so afraid. The Lord answered with a memory from training camp. My Squad and I were sharing our testimonies around a campfire in the middle of the night, and for the first time in my life, I thought: I want to be known!
That night I opened up my heart to my amazing A Squad family, sharing more of myself than I had with human beings in a very long time. Years of stagnant, bottled up pain and grief were released and thick, cold walls I had built to protect myself came crumbling down. My World Race family listened. They looked me in the eyes. They didn't try to fix me. And their love warmed me more than any campfire ever could.
As I paced the church parking lot thinking about my Squad, I realized that the fortress of isolationism I’d spent most of my life camped out in was no longer there, and that's why I felt so exposed. It was a vulnerability I was not used to at all! I took a deep breadth, pushed through the fear and walked into the church with my God, knowing that there was no place I’d rather be.
To make a long story shorter, service was amazing, but as 5:30 approached I began to shift in my seat; preparing to leave, yet wanting to stay. I was about a mile away from the bus stop and I was running out of time. It was in that critical moment that I heard the Lord sweetly whisper the word: stay. It resonated like thunder through canyons in my soul.
I perched at the edge of my seat an instant longer in stunned silence, then relaxed my muscles in obedience, throwing my plan and backup plan out the window. If the Lord was telling me to stay, it meant He had a way for me to get home too.
As I melted into my seat, I suddenly felt an urgency to talk to Pastor Tracy, who sat right up in the front row and was almost always surrounded by people. I didn’t know when or how, and I was intimidated by the thought of approaching her after the service. What was I going to say? I didn’t even know why I wanted to talk to her haha!
6pm came and went and I felt the peace that surpasses all understanding cover me even as a battle of wills raged inside me. My mind protested and grumbled at my irrational behavior, but my heart and the Lord assured me that this was a good thing. It was a fight for control. And I was losing by choice.
Soon after, the pastor gave an invitation for prayer and my heart compelled me forward. I stood by the altar for a while, not sure what the heck I was doing or why I was even there. Then out of nowhere I felt someone grab my hand and Pastor David (Pastor Tracys husband) pulled me through a crowd of people and sat me down right next to his wife hahaha. and I had NO idea what to do.
But right on cue, my heart suddenly took over and it was like I was at the campfire again, sharing my fears and insecurities and imperfections with a total stranger as tears slid down my face. I told Pastor Tracy how I knew the Lord was calling me to Redemption House and how I had been running away for months (check out Part 1 of this post: Redeeming Intimacy). I told her that I was scared to death of community, and finished with the fact that I had no idea why I was telling her any of this. Then, through sobs, I declared that I was only in Annapolis for another month, but that I wanted to commit to their church and get connected, I just didn’t know how. It was an overload for my poor mind as my heart went into overdrive and propelled me forward far faster than I thought I was ready to go haha.
Pastor Tracy patiently listened for almost 20 minutes and my fear melted away as she manifested the love of Christ so tangibly to me. She said something about serving with the cleaning crew to get involved, then went to talk with other people. Then I wandered around the sanctuary, not really sure what to do with myself. I had missed my bus, had no phone and didn’t know anybody haha. Plus everyone was leaving!
As my situation sank in, I frantically took things into my own hands. I asked a woman who seemed friendly if there was anyone in the church who could give me a ride and Pastor Tracy heard me and said with surprise, “yes, but where are you going? You have to clean!” Speechless, I stumbled over my words haha. I didn't think that she had meant THEN!
But the Redemption House community shares the building so they clean everything after the service and I had the privilege of helping that day. I met a whole bunch of amazing people and wiped down tables, took a tour of the building, and febreezed stinky trashcans haha. Every few minutes my brain would cry out, “what have you gotten yourself into?!?!” or something along those lines, but my heart would reassure me that whatever it was, it was a good thing. I felt so out of control that it terrified me a little bit.
As we finished cleaning, Pastor David asked me how I was getting home and my brain was happy to declare that I didn’t know haha. He went to talk to his wife who affirmed that she had things covered and not to worry. They then asked me if I wanted to go to dinner and I said yes; so we put my bike in a van, I climbed into another car and we all drove to the restaurant. It was honestly the biggest blessing ever. I was afraid of not being accepted, but the people at the table made me feel so incredibly loved, it was amazing.
Finally at 10pm, Pastor Tracy called me over as she relayed the plan on how I would be getting home. Someone had already taken the front tire off my bike and put the whole thing into another persons car and they were going to drive me back to Annapolis.
And that’s what happened.
It was incredible. And incredibly out of my control. When I said yes to God and relinquished my plans for the night, everything went wild. It was the start of something beautiful, and it has only gotten sweeter in the weeks since. All I can say is that I look forward to whatever's next haha! Have a blessed day and thanks for reading. 🙂
Love, Chelle
